The Blog of the Adventures of Brando Pony! (Plus MovieGame Reviews!)
by Greene Earth Productions
Summary: (Skip to Chapter 11 if you want to get straight to the good stuff!) Join Real Me, Reviewer Me, Pony Me, and the Mysterious Voice as we explore the wondrous worlds of movies, games, and everything My Little Pony! First ten chapters have nostalgia, later chapters have quality! - Technically starts out as a blog, but eventually turns into fanfiction.
1. My First Time

**Greetings, Readers! My name is Brandon, but all my friends call me Brando. Basically, I'm a brony, have been since November of 2013, I was just 15 years old then. I was shocked, no, really, I was SHOCKED when I discovered how good MLP was. I spent my whole life up until then thinking My Little Pony was just some overly-feminine girly shit, and don't get me wrong, I'm actually a very feminine guy and I'm comfortable in my femininity, but when something is just mind-numbingly shallow I don't care for it. For instance, I'm a massive Jem fan, (original Jem cartoon, not movie reboot), but I never liked Bratz or Barbie, and those latter two are the type of show I expected MLP to be. However, I was wrong, and I'm so happy I was.**

 **The first piece of Gen-4 MLP I ever watched was the first Equestria Girls, I fell in love with it immediately. Which is ironic because most Bronies I've met don't actually like EG, but I do, I like it BETTER than Friendship is Magic. Yeah, I'm in the minority opinion of a fandom that most people outside the fandom seem to hate, that basically sums up my whole life. (I'm also a Sonic Fan! I could make a top ten list out of all the minority opinions I have there.) Anyway, before I watched MLP for the first time I was vaguely aware of Bronies, in that I knew there were plenty of grown-ass men who liked My Little Pony yet also loved violent M-rated video games, I just thought they were weird as all hell. Yet here I am, over four years later, and what do you know: I've BECOME one of them, lol!**

 **Anyway, what's all this I have here, you ask? Well, I was so strongly affected by my new love for MLP (which happened on the legitimate, still undefeated, WEIRDEST DAY OF MY LIFE) that I felt compelled to write about it, or rather, to write about my weird day. And THEN, when I continued watching ponies, I felt compelled to write about it more. Soon it became a habit, and I started writing a straight-up BLOG about my thoughts on MLP. I also started to review movies and computer/app games for fun, writing in a style similar to my hero and idol, Erik Van Rooy, who ran a BLOG (he hates the word 'blog') called A Very Strange Place, where he'd review horror movies. (I loved that man with a passion.) Soon my MLP reviews started interweaving with my movie reviews, and now you need to read both to fully appreciate them.**

 **So, what can you expect to see? well the first few blog entries really suck it, because they're just me giving my (boring-ass) thoughts on episodes of the show I recently watched, but once I start reviewing movies then things start to get good. The movie and game reviews are always a blast, every time. And the pony blog entries get much better down the road. As for what you can expect to see in the future, I now write a movie review at the start of August, every year. I also annually host Pony Week, which is seven days (or whatever number of days I can get) of nonstop-pony-action, it used to be from November 10 to November 16, but I changed it to just being the week that November 10 is in, from Sunday to Saturday. As for game reviews, those are wild.**

 **But now you must be wondering, "what does ANY of this have to do with fanfiction!?" Well, basically, ever since my early days of watching the show I'd write fanfiction in my head about it. I created an author-insert OC character named Brando Pony, and throughout these blog posts I'll often tell you what he's been up to, especially later on when it basically takes over the entire blog. Brando Pony is essentially just a ruder, cruder parody of myself, where all my likable traits are diminished and my unlikable traits are cranked up to eleven. He enjoys cheap sex, swearing a lot, and just being a general douchebag, he is also clearly insane and creepy as fuck. My tagline title for him is "The most unlikable protagonist ever." And that's basically the entire joke behind him: that he's me, but instead of making him perfect I make him, well, the most unlikable protagonist ever. There's also Reviewer Me, the character I put on for when I write the movie reviews, he's inbetween Real Me and Pony Me, he's more of an asshole than I am in real life, (mostly to mimic Erik's reviewing style), but he's also not as bad as Brando Pony.**

 **Well, that basically fills you in on the situation, now you won't just start reading and become very, VERY confused. I will leave my old blog posts mostly untouched, so as to preserve their authenticity. I must say that as bad as they are, they do carry nostalgia. I mean, these are things that I wrote YEARS ago, and only now are they making it onto the net. So enjoy, dear readers, as you are about to take a trip to the past. All the way back to the day my interest in MLP started, on the Sunday morning of November 10, 2013, when I caught the first Equestria Girls on TV.**

 **(Also, Pand is my best friend. There, now you know who she is. She gets her own pony OC eventually.)**

 **Sunday, November 10, 2013.**

Weirdest day ever.

For anybody.

No, seriously, that day was WEIRD man! there was seriously not a single time when it wasn't weird, but just over half of it was good-weird, so it's okay, but it was weird.

Here's a short list of some of the weird things that happened to me that day...

I wake up feeling right as rain, but the second I stand up I'm struck by a head-cold, but this happens all the time so I didn't think much of it, though do note that this time around it seemed slightly different.

I took a shower, but it was weird, it felt extremely different then how showers usually feel, and though I've had showers kinda like it before, with a very similar feeling, this one was still different, it felt... intensified somehow. (Update: dense.)

For some stupid reason, I decided not to wear my hat that day, so I spent the day hat-less, it was VERY weird I can assure you.

I heard a song during a movie, which I'll talk about in a moment, and despite it not being my type of song AT ALL, I just fell in love with it on the spot, which in it's own sense is super-weird, because even with songs that are my style, and every single one of my favorites, I did NOT just fall in love with them on the spot, it took time, some of them I had to hear a few times, some of them I just had to wait until they were almost done, but I NEVER just fall in love with a song on the spot, like on the first line, but I did this time... and I have no idea why.

And so finally, I'm gonna finish this list with the weirdest thing that happened to me of all: somehow, I ended up, watching My Little Pony Equestria Girls on the T.V. and playing Monster Hunter Tri during commercials... and I loved it... WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!? not only was I loving it, but I was getting fucking emotional over it! I can't believe this! I've just become one of those guys who like playing mature games and freaking out over My Little Pony! what the hell!? and just like two days before that me and Pand were talking about how stupid it was that they were making My Little Pony "Humans", and BAM! next thing I know I'm watching the movie and loving almost all of it, just cut off the start and ending and you have yourself a fantastic, unbelievably great movie, five stars bitches, uh-huh, but I know in my heart that I'm actually not one of those guys who love nothing more then My Little Pony and Call of Duty, partly because I hate Call of Duty, but I like other mature games so I'll ignore that, it's mostly because I promise you, it's ONLY that ONE movie that I'm a fan of, I don't care for anything else concerning My Little Pony, and that's all... my favorite is Rarity by the way, just in case you were wondering, but Applejack's a close second.

And so there you have it, that's just some of the weird things that happened that day, and I doubt anything is ever going to top it.

-Tuesday, November 12, 2013.

 **Note that at this point I oh-so-foolishly assumed that I would just be a movie fan.**

 **BRANDO HAD NEVER BEEN SO WRONG.**

 **But it's also true that nothing ever did top that day.**

 **...**

 **BRANDO HAD NEVER BEEN SO RIGHT.**


	2. Getting Hooked

**This first entry into the actual blog basically sums up what the extremely early entries are generally like: I list episodes I've watched and give my vague opinions on them. I don't go into detail about it, just state whether they were good, bad, great, awful, etcetera. They will steadily get more in-depth and complex as I add things like, oh, actually mentioning what I found to be so good/bad. And when complications such as Pony Me get around to showing up, then the entries will especially flesh out.**

Pony Blog Entry #1: well, it turns out I lied, it's NOT just that one movie, I gave the Friendship is Magic show a couple of tries and now I'm a small-time fan of that too, well, okay maybe more then a couple of tries, anyway the point is that so far there's been a couple okay ones, a couple pretty good ones, a horribly boring one that I couldn't bear to watch the whole thing of, and a few fantastic super-duper GREAT ones! ...I sound kinda like Pinkie Pie, anyway, moving on, I absolutely LOVED Too Many Pinkie Pies, Sisterhooves Social, and Best Night Ever for instance, they rocked, not nearly as much as the movie, but they were still definitely worth watching, and Magic Duel and Ponyville Confidential were pretty darn good, they're worth you're time as well, and Boast Busters, Hurricane Fluttershy, and Hearts and Hooves Day were alright, they'd be good for watching when you're not really doing anything else and are just looking for something to do to make the time pass by, but DO NOT watch Call of the Cutie, that thing was so immensely boring I was just going out of my mind when it hit the two-thirds point, though parts of it were okay the main thing was just unbearable, and yeah that's all I really wanna say, so like, bye I guess, until the next update.

-Saturday, November 16, 2013.

 **I still haven't seen Call of the Cutie again since, (though I did finish it), but I'd probably like it better now that I've gotten to know and appreciate the CMC.**


	3. Self-Insert Arrival

**Here is my first time talking about Pony Me, or Brando Pony. I didn't have either of those name's picked out for him at the time, so I just referred to him as my Equestrian Counterpart or some other unofficial name.**

Pony Blog Entry #2: okay, been meaning to update for a while now, and since it's been an EXACT month since the last update, I think today's just about the best day there is to do this other then like all the days between now and then, so yeah, I've really taken off to imagining and re-writing the movie and episodes to include me, they actually don't change that much, with the exception of Suited for Success, which would have been dramatically different if I was there.

Unlike most other people who spend their time creating stuff where they go on little adventures with fictional characters, I actually make it so that it focuses on me very little, hardly anyone ever talks to me or in fact really acknowledges my presence at all, I'm kind of a background character who talks a lot, just because nobody usually says anything back or reacts to what I say is no reason for me to not openly state my view on things, it is kind of hurtful though... but it can't really be helped, hm, well, it could, but that would require a lot more time and effort then what I'm used to, because it would kind of be forcing it, and that means changing the course a little more, and above all it means I'd have to fight the current a little, and I'm the type of guy who likes to go with the flow, so I think I'll just keep going the way I am.

My Equestrian counterpart (or me, if you'd rather) seems to be doing pretty well, he's (or I'm) best buddies with Twilight Sparkle and Princess Luna, good friends with Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy, playful rivals with Spike and Rainbow Dash, IS the new Rainbow Dash. (Me and her share the element of Loyalty now, I represent loyalty to loved ones while she represents loyalty to country.)

I'm also a big fan and strong supporter of Iron Will, on good terms with Zecora, (though I dislike people who talk in riddles, I mean, if you're going to try to help me by telling me something important, either tell it to me straight or don't bother, cause I suck at riddles and teasing me with them when you COULD just tell me the answer instead is not helpful), joined the Cutie Mark Crusaders, (I don't have my Cutie Mark yet either! and I probably never will!), became bitter rivals with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, and even bagged Rarity as my girlfriend, and it's been _**nice**_ , all of it has, it's been simply lovely, hanging out with the rest of the Mane Seven, ('cause of course I'm one of them now) going around doing shit with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, working out with Iron Will, it's been great.

 **Yes, this is all epic levels of cringe, I knew that it would be before I even wrote it, but frankly, I didn't care then and I still don't, it was all just for fun, and that's the only thing that matters. Besides, it's not gonna be this way forever, I was still finding my groove at this point, later on I'll start hitting my stride and all this pony relationship stuff will become more funny than cringe. (But until then, enjoy cringing.)**

 **Also, for clarification, I actually really enjoy riddles, I just don't like them when the situation is serious and the person giving the riddle could easily just tell me the answer so I can save the day and prevent tragedy.**

Okay now, I suppose I'll talk a bit about some of the episodes I've seen since the last update and rate how good they are, so yeah, uh, Dragonshy was really good, I got my first musical number in it, and Suited for Success was nice, though it would have been drastically different if I was there, which of course I like to pretend I was, Applebuck Season was alright, I just wish everyone would've cut Applejack some slack, and that rhymes so now I'm pissed, Babs Seed was AWESOME! it was so much fun! the best part was probably when us Cutie Mark Crusaders ran into the rest of the Mane Seven, who I hadn't seen in like three days and when we finally meet up I'm just like "WHOA! you guys look just beautiful! even you, Rainbow Dash! just look at you guys! does anybody have a camera!?" it was spectacular! and there's also A Bird In... something, **(Present-time note: THE HOOF!)** that episode was freaking frustrating! that little son of a bitch pissed me off! but in the case of is it worth _**your**_ time: no, I don't think it is. I also LOVED the episode with Iron Will, whatever it's called, I can't remember, **(Present-time note: PUTTING YOUR HOOF DOWN! jesus I was bad with titles back then.)** but I was PUMPED for his little program, and when me and Fluttershy wouldn't pay him because we were unsatisfied (I was unsatisfied because it didn't really help me at all, cause I was already a tough guy and all that) I still insisted on giving him two-or-three bits, just as a thank you for the great time.

Oh my god, the Return of Harmony was a masterpiece, the villain was like the coolest guy ever, it was so awesome. I loved how everytime Twilight ran into someone in the maze I was always with them and would say my little catchphrase of "Hey Twilight!", and I really loved how Anti-Applejack would constantly lie, it was hilarious, and so was Anti-Rarity's greed for everything, and her conspiracy theories, and I also loved Anti-Fluttershy's bullying, and just how all the Anti-Pony's antics fit together so well, like say Anti-Fluttershy poured corrosive acid on Anti-Rarity's gem, then Anti-Rarity freaks out, then Anti-Applejack laughs at them and then Anti-Pinkie Pie yells "WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!?" then Anti-Applejack says "uh, window-wipers" or something and in her slight-nervousness she bumps into something causing the object on top of it to fall onto the ground where Anti-Rarity instantly pounces on it with a shrill scream of "MIIINE!", see that? THAT'S AWESOME! incase you haven't figured it out by now this episode has got to be the best thing besides the movie, so far at least.

I enjoyed doing Mare in the Moon/Friendship is Magic or whatever the episode's called, and Luna Eclipsed was a good one, I had a lot of fun with Griffin the Brush Off, I tried to strangle Gilda right after her encounter with Fluttershy, I ended up getting taloned pretty bad, just like I thought I would, but I didn't care, it didn't matter to me how bad I got slashed, I just wanted to make her pay for everything bad she did, especially for how she treated Fluttershy, I still can't believe Twilight thought I was jealous, anyway, moving on, the Cutie Pox was pretty fun, 'speaking fancy', ha, I never get tired of that, I had a wonderful time in Lesson Zero, all I wanted was to teleport, we could have solved the problem then and there, I couldn't believe it when we went to Fluttershy's and saw her beat the shit out of the bear, and it's so painfully cool how Twilight ended up going insane and tried to cause a rift between the other Cutie Mark Crusaders, causing me to force myself to turn against her and try desperately to protect them, I failed, and there were quite a few more awesome episodes that I'm sorry to say escape my mind right now, so I guess that's it for that.

So yeah, that's all I have to say I guess, nice talking to you, this was fun, bye! until the next update! (if ever there is one.)

-Monday, December 16, 2013/Thursday, December 19, 2013.

 **As you can see, back then I questioned if I would even bother with the blog much more. Thank goodness I did, because it eventually turned into something remarkable.**

 **As for some explanations...**

 **I'm a unicorn pony, but my magic is very weak, in Lesson Zero I observed Twilight teleporting around and immediately became jealous, I wanted to teleport but couldn't manage it, so, yeah, there's a, ahem, "friendship problem" for her to solve.**

 **And much more importantly: when I originally wrote this Entry (and many more later on) I couldn't do the whole thing in one day, so what I did was write in different colored text to show what was written on which day, my pattern went as follows.**

 **First Day: Black.**

 **Second Day: My Favorite Shade of Obnoxious Pink.**

 **Third Day: Dark Green.**

 **Fourth Day: Orange.**

 **Fifth Day: Aqua.**

 **Unfortunately, Fanfiction doesn't allow colors! so it's all just going to bleed together for you guys, which honestly isn't so bad, because it's not actually important to the reading experience and is more of just fun trivia. (Incase you're wondering: no, I can't just jot down "this is where the day switches" as we go, because it's not linear like that, as I'll go back and add stuff in the middle of things from previous days that wasn't there before.)**


	4. The Dragonshy Montain Rap

**(Here's that first musical number of mine I mentioned in the last blog entry, it's a silly rap, and is quite possibly the lamest rap I have ever written. I've actually gotten pretty good at writing rap in more recent years, due to, oh, you know, actually LISTENING to the genre a whole bunch.)**

 **My Dragonshy Rap Song**

Okay, so yeah, in the My Little Pony episode "Dragonshy", Pinkie Pie was about to sing a song to help Fluttershy get over her fear of jumping over a trench, but Twilight interrupted her saying that we didn't have time for this, I then rapped a couple lines to her and told her I had nothin', but I'd work on it later and rap it to her then.

So here it is.

Hey c'mon Twilight, I think it'll work.

Sure it may waste some time, but just think of the perk!

No scared Fluttershy fo' a while, it'll be great.

'Cause you know well as I do bravery's not her trait.

So let's go with it, think of the time it'll save.

With no fear slowing us down, we're sure to reach the cave.

A fearless Fluttershy, why that'll be my fave.

So let's set out on this road I just paved.

I say I like it.

...yeah.

I say yeh like it.

...yeah.

No more dragging, and no more bagging.

Just run to the end with no more nagging.

We'll reach the cave, this is no time to fold.

So let's do this rap, and let's pave this road!

Let's get it over with, or face this dragon alone.

And let's not forget Spike's waiting back home.

If we don't get this done soon, people are gonna get bored.

Heck half the reason Rarity's here, is to swipe the treasure hoard!

She just lost tic-tack-toe thirty-seven times, she can't get the knack.

And all this handling Fluttershy, has tired out poor Applejack.

We'd almost be better off without her! no offense.

I'm just speaking reason, so we can recompense.

I just want what's best you know, it's only common sense.

And kinda seems like your advice, isn't worth two pence!

But hey it's not that bad, we're all ladies and gents.

So let's all just focus, on getting across this trench.

Rainbow Dash is getting impatient, it won't be long before she snaps.

So we darn well better get a move on, don't you think old chaps?

So I say, we let Pinkie sing and take the reins.

'Cause scared little Fluttershy, has really been a big pain.

Some of those black clouds may not be smoke, it might be going to rain.

So I'd say losing all fear, would be a really big gain.

With a scared little Fluttershy, we just don't have a chance.

So let's get a move on, and all sing and dance.

Instead of standing here, like in some sort of trance.

Corrupted by fear, for a dragon we'd be no match.

And absolutely no hope, would Rarity have for a snatch.

We'd be crushed, grounded, and have to be patched.

So let's get a grip on that fear, and tie it down with a latch.

So all I have to say is: hit it Vinyl Scratch!

*Cuts to Vinyl Scratch, who does a wicked record solo that slowly fades away.*

There you go, that's it, I hope you liked it, I think it's kinda funny how I took the time to sing a song to try to get Twilight to let Pinkie take the time to sing another song which Twilight didn't think we had the time for in the first place.


	5. Walking Blindly Into the Worst of All

**In this entry, I describe my experience watching the Mysterious Mare Do Well, at the time of said watching I had absolutely no idea that it was the most hated episode of the series, my experience with it was certainly interesting. For clearer reference, at this point I basically considered Rainbow Dash to be the worst of the Mane Six, I didn't hate her or anything, I still liked her, just not as much as the others, but this episode, well, it changed that a bit...**

Blog Entry #3: okay, so yeah, I know it hasn't been very long since the last update, but I did two episodes on Sunday that I just have to talk about, the first is the Mysterious Mare Do Well, basically me and Rainbow Dash save some people and we get some kind of party for it and it goes to Rainbow Dash's head and next thing I know there's suddenly a Zorro-Pony showing up everywhere me and Rainbow Dash goes and shows her up by saving the people before she can, 'causing Rainbow Dash to become 'very jealous' and instantly hate this pony.

In the case of myself, however, at first I was cheering for the Zorro-Pony along with everyone else, and telling Rainbow Dash to shut the hell up about her bitterness, (because, you know, what's important is that the day was saved at all), but then the Zorro-Pony, (who the awful little Mayor has decided to call 'the Mysterious Mare Do Well' but that's too long for me to type in constantly so I'll stick with Zorro-Pony, besides, at the time we didn't even know for sure if they were a mare or a stallion, all we knew was that they had a girlish figure), kept showing up everywhere me and Rainbow Dash went, which if you ask me is pretty darn suspicious, and I ended up forming quite the sense of rivalry with them myself, so before you knew it I was no longer telling Rainbow Dash to shut up and was occasionally nodding agreement with what she said, it also kinda bothered me how me and Rainbow Dash had to come to the rescue like three times for multiple ponies before we got some kind of thanks from the city, and yet this Zorro-Wannabe just had it handed to them after saving ONE pony from a hot air balloon crash, which if you ask me is the LEAST dangerous rescue situation in the episode.

So yeah, then we got to the now-infamous construction site scene, where me and Rainbow Dash really went all out to try to beat this pony, bitterly butting heads with her all throughout it, at one point almost literally for me, we tried hard, but they beat us to every worker except one, who just went right over to the others, and then Rainbow Dash mentioned that this Zorro-Pony had known what was about to happen ahead of time, which I instantly perked my head up with my eyes wide at because I actually hadn't noticed just how true that was, I then became extremely suspicious and hostile towards this pony, I smelt foul play, I was thinking that just maybe, they might've been the cause of the accident in the first place, and really was just trying to screw over Rainbow Dash.

So I could hardly believe it, but I had ended up opposing this "heroic" pony that wouldn't show their face and completely aligned myself with Rainbow Dash, who throughout a lot of that episode was suddenly my best friend, heck, she was my ONLY friend, me and her were the ONLY two people who found this Mare Do Well character fishy, and our other "friends" were being complete jackasses to us, mostly Rainbow Dash, but still us, and we just looked like such good buddies at the end of the construction site scene, where she was all "Ha! more like Mare Too Slow!" and I was like "Yeah!" and we like high-fived and shit.

 **Present Time Note: holy shit I'm adorable... huh? oh right! the note, yes, uh, as you can see at this point I had just given up on saying Zorro-Pony and switched to saying Mare Do Well, because what I really hadn't wanted to do was type 'the Mysterious Mare Do Well' every time, but shortening it to just 'Mare Do Well' was fine, I just never actually explained the switch in the Blog Entry, so I'm doing it here.**

So then me and Rainbow Dash, now best and only friends, because it's hilarious how life works out, go flying around until we reach the damned dam scene, where after the damn dam breaks me and Rainbow Dash end up clinging to a log for dear life, and then, "YOU!" we yell out at the Mysterious Mare Do Well, who was just standing on the sideline, watching us struggle, who knows how long they were standing there for, my instant thoughts were that they totally set this up, and now they were standing there, watching us struggle for survival, almost certainly were going to come and step on our hands/hooves and force us to be swept away in the current, I yelled curses at them as they watched us, I waited for them to come over and screw us, when all of a sudden they threw their hat off, revealing a magic horn, they then used magic to hold back the water and fix the damn dam, and then ran off, and during this time is when I had a great realization: this HAD to be our "friends" just trying to show us up, it was Twilight who fixed the damn freaking dam, 'cause her magic's that powerful, it was Applejack who stopped the carriage, because I know she's strong, and therefore it wouldn't surprise me if she could do that, it was probably Pinkie Pie at the construction site, because I've seen Pinkie jump around at super high speeds before, and as for Rarity and Fluttershy, well Rarity probably pitched in by making the costume, and Fluttershy just hasn't shown up yet, I decided that I'd consider this theory fact if I saw Mare Do Well with wings, 'cause there's no possible way that it's an Alicorn.

So what do you know! as luck would have it, Mare Do Well flies by with wings less then ten seconds later, after that I knew my theory was right, though I didn't tell Rainbow Dash about it, we went back to our jackass friends and I listened intently to everything they said, though from their point of view it would've looked more like I was trying to sleep or something, but yeah, everything they said just helped prove my theory further, and pissed me off to the point of snapping at them to quit it, 'cause Rainbow Dash was my best friend at the time and they were being so mean to her, which I guess proves that by some miracle I'm actually like the least despicable one out of our group of friends, because nobody stands up for Rainbow Dash when I'm a dick to her, but when they're dicks to her I'm her #1 defender, wow, life never ceases to amaze me, despite going through something exactly like this on a weekly basis, because life's run by clever smug comedians who like to hand out ironic lessons and make history repeat itself, especially to me and my family, and I just have to say, that is like the coolest job EVER, I wish I could write like that a bit more often, 'cause I totally already do, sometimes, and I know for a fact that it rocks.

 **Present Time Note: oh my god I forgot about that quote! "Life's run by clever, smug comedians." Love that quote, it really reflects all those little instances of irony to life.**

So yeah, back to the story, where was I? oh yes, so we left our jackass friends to go sulk, and when the Mysterious Mare Do Well showed up to like cut the tape at the new library because we need a new one because me and Twilight are now living in the old one or whatever, I insisted that we go and attempt to unmask this so-called "hero" in front of everypony, I was pleased to learn that it just so happens that that's exactly what Rainbow Dash had in mind, so we went, entered the chase scene, caught them, and pulled the mask off to find... THAT I CALLED IT! I WAS RIGHT! sure enough I had it right down to every detail except one, which was that it was in fact Pinkie and her speed at the construction site, but she was also using her Pinkie sense, which is how she knew what was about to happen ahead of time, nice touch.

Now, I always say that friends should never be mad at each other for long unless it's over extraordinary betrayal, (as reflected by how I thought they were being all so ridiculous in the movie 'cause none of them had any good reason to be mad at each other except Applejack, 'cause honesty's clearly everything to her), so I decided to set an example by forgiving them all for this, and that I hope they all remembered that I could forgive them when I felt they betrayed me so that they can remember it if I ever end up making them feel betrayed by me, 'cause chances are I wouldn't have meant to make them feel like that, 'cause I'm a bit of a jerk sometimes, usually to Rainbow Dash, but I don't mean anything by it, you know, just what I do, if it does end up upsetting her then I'll stop and apologize, so if any of my friends get really upset by something I do they should just come and talk to me about it, and this is sound advice for the real world too, just do it, man, forgive and forget, it's easy.

...at least I think it is, it's easy for me in any case, could be some kind of mental condition or something, "Easy-to-look-past-the-bullshit-and-see-what-really-matters Syndrome" or something.

Okay, so yeah, the other episode is Bridle Gossip, the first episode with Zecora, now, I've done episodes with Zecora before, but I found a way to still make this fit, kinda, but the point is that there's something very ironic about this episode that I really want to point out, (it's even more ironic because it goes hand-in-hand with the Mysterious Mare Do Well), okay, so basically, I was a little hostile at Zecora at first, back with Magic Duel and stuff, but made peace with her later, well, because of that, in this episode, I was pleased to see her at first, but next thing I know everybody else was being hostile towards her, except Applebloom, so, what do you think happened next? I stuck up for her! that's what! I became her #1 defender, it was a whole lot like how I was on Rainbow Dash's side in the last one despite our history, and it reminded me of Luna Eclipsed a bunch because it was the whole town being so hostile to this one poor little outsider, so I declare this episode (in my experience with it) as a bit of a mix between Luna Eclipsed and The Mysterious Mare Do Well, perfect!

And I guess that's all I really have to say, the Poison Joke thing was stupid though, not what it did to my friends, just it itself, the concept, the name, it kinda sucked, I know this is equestria and there's magic and everything but it was just such a ridiculous plant that I couldn't take it the slightest bit seriously, but yeah, there you go I guess, bye! until the next update. (if ever there is one.)

-Tuesday, December 24, 2013.

 **Did this one on Christmas Eve, over four years ago, crazy how time flies... anyway, as you can see, at this point I was still sceptical that my Blog Entries would even keep coming, and once again I say thank goodness that they did, I had no idea at the time, but this blog was eventually going to turn into something very special.**


	6. The Conclusion of Year One

**This one was written at three extremely distant points, with no overlap between them. The reason why it wasn't split up into three separate entries was because I had twice intended to write down more opinions before ending it, but got swept up in my other work and forgot. Whoops! Anyway, because of that, I'll make a bit of an exception to the 'no noting the date shifts' rule and write them down as Blog Entry 4.0, Blog Entry 4.5, and Blog Entry 4.9.**

Blog Entry #4.0: hey everyone, it's been like, a ton of time since the last update, sorry, it's just that I've been very, very, oh so terribly busy, I'm afraid I've barely had any time for Ponies, but hey, that little bit of time builds up after a while, so I do have a nice assortment of episodes for you, plenty's happened, it's just that most of you would probably have expected me to have watched the whole series by now, and I'd have to say: hell no! there's still many episodes I need to watch, but I have probably doubled the number of episodes I've seen since the last update, as so I have been meaning to do another update for quite a while now, but like I said, I've been busy, however I really wanted to at least start on the next update today, because do you know what today is? today is Monday, June 16, 2014, the second update was from an exact six months ago, and the first update seven, so as you can see from the whole anniversary thing I really wanted to do this today, so yeah, uh, I guess I better get started on telling you what happened and what I think of a bunch of it, however before I do I better let you know that I shouldn't put too much time into this because I'm still super busy and I'm already putting off other more important things to do this as it is, (some of those things I even have a time limit for!), and I almost certainly won't get to finish this thing today, but I'll try to get a good bit in for you, but I'm gonna have to be quick and brisk about it.

So yeah, I better start off with how little me is doing, little pony me is doing _very well indeed_ , I am now Military Commander of the Republic of Equestria or whatever the fuck Equestria as a country is called. Mm-hm, I am the founder and first Commander of the freaking Equestrian Military of Defense! first formed and put into action during the events of Princess Twilight Sparkle, Parts 1 and 2, where my wonderful bestest friend Princess Twilight, (at the time in charge of the country), finally allowed me to create an army to protect our nation from it's enemies, (and rest assured, we have enemies), I am also Hero of the Crystal Empire, (yeah, I watched all the two-part episodes, so you know, except for A Canterlot Wedding, if that even has a second part, I think it does, I don't know), along with Twilight and Spike, that was a freakin' good adventure. I liked the Crystal Empire, a lot.

 **That was all I managed to write before this poor thing got stiffed. :(**

Blog Entry #4.5: WHOA it's been a long time! yeah... wow... anyway, I actually haven't seen that many more episodes, they've been messing with the play-schedule around here, and we've been having tons of problems getting it to come in, and they've also been playing the exact same small handful of them over and over, it's all been really frustrating, so yeah, haven't seen that many more. (Still haven't seen A Canterlot Wedding, but I've been wanting to like hell more and more as time's gone by and I keep accidentally finding out super cool things about it, turns out it is a two-parter.)

Anyway, I probably can't work on this for very long, so I better hurry up and get the things I was really wanting to say out of the way, okay? okay!

First off, EQUESTRIA GIRLS 2 came out yesterday! isn't that AMAZING!? I couldn't be more MISERABLE! this SUCKS for me! you see, I'm probably not gonna be able to see it until a month or so from now, around Halloween, it sucks because now all the other bronies, (the rest of the herd I may as well call them), are going to go see it and I'm gonna be left behind! oh wah-ha-ha-ha!

(The reason I'm saying 'going to' instead of 'did' or something is because that's how I said it when I first realized that this was what was gonna happen, so it just wouldn't sound right to me otherwise.)

So yeah, good for you guys I guess, I spent most of yesterday trying very hard not to think about it, only once things started getting late did I feel glum about what I was missing, I read a bunch of stuff concerning ponies on the internet to try to compensate for it a bit, it didn't really work, but I did end up reading about a bunch of other stuff as well, little bit here little bit there, and when it started getting _really_ late Pand came along and we hung out and it was absolutely lovely.

Overall, yesterday turned out to actually be a pretty darn happy and even special day despite me being denied my chance of watching that sequel, which, as it just so happens, is subject #2, the new movie.

Now, pretty much everything about my relationship with the first movie was super-ironic, and the same goes with this one so far, you see, it is the sequel to what I've decided is my _favorite movie_ and for that reason I'm dying to see it, have been since the start, but at the same time, I'm sure (currently, wasn't before) it's probably not going to be nearly as spectacularly perfect, (since I have a pretty good idea of what it's gonna be like due to Hasbro giving away everything, and it doesn't seem as great as I had initially hoped), oh I'm certain it'll be good, maybe great, but not _too_ great, which you see is incredibly ironic because for the first movie...

1\. I initially thought it would suck.

2\. I saw almost no advertisement for it whatsoever.

3\. I loved it.

4\. Most other bronies hated it.

And for this movie...

1\. I initially thought it would be amazing.

2\. Hasbro has been advertising the FUCK out of it.

3\. I'll probably think it's alright.

4\. I get this weird feeling that most other bronies'll love it.

So THAT'S how it's so ironic, you see, and yeah, I guess I just about gotta stop now, I'll continue some other time, at least I completely and totally intend to, and I'll try to get to some of the really good stuff then, bye for now.

 **After this I** **_really_ should have just considered Blog Entry 4 to be finished, but no, I just had to think 'I'll write some more on it about some episodes or something!' and that's how we wound up with Blog Entry 4.9.**

Blog Entry #4.9: hey everybody! sorry, but I gotta be quick, it's the day before the anniversary, and all secrecy has been lost! everybody knows! I've rushed through the basic last handful of episodes I haven't seen in order to complete my imaginary "watch the entire series before the second movie" deadline, said episodes include: Dragon Quest, Over a Barrel, and even, would you believe it, a Canterlot Wedding Parts 1 and 2! I've seen them! I've actually seen them! and as far as memory serves, there's no others I haven't seen yet, so I guess I've successfully covered the series! (I still technically haven't seen the entire episodes of It's About Time or Swarm of the Century, but I don't feel I need to), so tomorrow I plan to celebrate the awesome one-year anniversary of being a brony by...

1: watching Equestria Girls 2, of course.

2: by finally drawing a map of how I imagine Equestria and the surrounding countries, like I've been wanting to do since the early episodes.

3: starting _**the next blog entry**_ for you, oh yeah!

4: writing a "Top Ten My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Episodes" list that I've been working on in my head for a couple weeks now, and maybe also a "Top Ten My Little Pony Characters" list.

I will also be attempting to celebrate the weirdest day of my life by taking a shower and going hatless, just like I did a year ago, but I may not get to do it all, as we apparently have a lot to do tomorrow to prepare for winter, and even if we weren't so busy that's sort of a lot of stuff to pile up into the one day, but I'll try my best, anyway, it's late at night now and I'm sort of in a rush, so goodnight! my fans, I love ya', and always remember: when you see the stuff comin', you better get ready to (cue my "new" catchphrase that I've secretly had for months now but never put it in a blog entry) get'cho BRONY on!

-Monday, June 16, 2014/Sunday, September 28, 2014/Sunday, November 9, 2014.

 **Three things to note here.**

 **1\. Yes, at the beginning when I'm talking about secrecy being lost and everybody knowing, I'm referring to having finally come out of the stable to the rest of my friends and family who didn't already know, they were chill, all's good, my Dad thought it was hilarious.**

 **2\. I've seen the rest of Swarm of the Century since then, it's an okay episode, I guess. Still haven't watched 100% of It's About Time, but that's just because it never comes on when I'm around and I've got newer stuff to watch whenever I get the chance to choose an episode.**

 **3\. Entry #4.9 is a fitting name for this third section, as it leads directly into (and was written briefly prior to) Entry #5.**


	7. Equstria Girls 2: Rainbow Rocks Review!

**Unfortunately I didn't have the time to start writing this next entry on the anniversary itself, but I did the immediate day after.**

 **The entry below was written exactly one year and one day since that fateful morning when I watched Equestria Girls 1, dear Readers. Really think about that. The past six chapters before this covered an entire year's worth of my time as a brony, it hasn't even been five years yet at the time I'm writing this commentary, heck, it hasn't even been four-years-and-six-months! The day I'm writing this, March 10, 2018, is an exact four-years-and-four-months since that day. So in what we've covered already, we've wizzed by nearly a quarter of my current brony-lifetime. Wow. I mean, to be fair I didn't really write much the first year, but still...**

 **...**

 **This is also the very first PONY WEEK!**

 **Ever since then, every year, I've taken about a week of my time around November 10 to celebrate the anniversary and do a bunch of stuff with ponies. I call this length of time 'Pony Week', logically.**

 **Right now, we're beginning Pony Week 2014. Down the line you're going to get to read the fun times of Pony Week 2015, Pony Week 2016, and Pony Week 2017. Whoo, boy! We may be a whole year in, but we've still got so much more to go! That's happy!**

Update #5: okay now, uh, we were indeed really busy yesterday, so (as I was afraid would happen) I didn't get to do most of the Pony stuff I wanted.

But I did get to do two of them: I DID see the movie, which I'll talk about in a moment, and I did draw the map, the whole thing, the countries and borders and towns anyway, I might add railroad tracks or something, it didn't turn out quite like how I wanted it to, but it looks pretty good, so it's fine.

As for the movie: it was wonderful! it wasn't a big disappointment! hell, it was almost, ever so closely, as good as the first! all the major flaws with it ended up being toned down far below expectation levels, the songs were actually really fun and groovy for the most part, and it had a constant stream of exciting cameo appearances!

The villains (the main flaw I was expecting) weren't so bad: they didn't have too much screen time, and what they did have they mostly spent singing instead of chatting out boring dialogue and pettily bickering with each other, and instead of having boring villain songs, they were quite entertaining, hell, the second one was possibly the best part of the whole damn movie.

The reasons their songs were good are...

1\. the first song sounded really familiar, I swear I've heard the same tune somewhere else, and I liked it.

2\. the second one had really cheesy lyrics, with them basically singing in references.

3\. and this is the really big one, both the first and second songs weren't so much music videos where we just see them sing and dance, as they were montages featuring the varied and beautiful cast! with still a good chunk of footage on them singing and dancing, of course.

Anyway, yeah, the movie was great, my least favorite part was when it clipped to the Pony world with the gang hanging around Twilight's Bitchin' New Castle, during that time I really was just so excited and eager to rush the fuck back to the Human world, but that part wasn't bad or anything, I was just in a big hurry to get back.

So onto the next thing I wanted to say about it: as it just so happens, I quite honestly feel like the only way they could have made the movie better would have been to go with my dream of having Sunset Shimmer be one of _THOSE_ reformed villains, you see, I honestly don't mind her being reformed, I'm perfectly cool with that, despite her being such a cool villain. Thing is, I want her to be a very specific kind of reformed villain, the kind that is very eager (psst, borderline-suicidal desperate) to please the heroes, but is having a lot of trouble letting go of their dark ways, and will occasionally fall back into them, for better or worse, and may even eventually just go back to being a villain.

Here, let's make some hypothetical examples for the eager to please thing. At the start when she asked if the Crusaders wanted help, I would have had her say it in a really forced or overly-excited manner (because she's trying to hide her feelings of desperation), along with a strong smile and most likely a twitchy eye, thoroughly creeping them out and prompting them to reject her, and upon being rejected it would have struck her really hard, and if this kind of thing were to happen enough she'd totally get more and more desperate until she starts to feel like nobody actually cares about her.

On the flip side, let's say, oh I don't know, that she made cookies or something, and offered one to me, I took it, ate it, and complimented her for it, inadvertently giving her a little dose of acceptance which she instantly gets momentarily high on, so here comes three days of relentless cookie offerings and other similar shit trying to get more, and if this were to happen often enough she'd grow accustomed to it, chill out, and just become one of the gang, losing the desperation.

As for falling back into the dark ways, she could be triggered into it via being flooded with feelings such as anger, frustration, and hate.

 **I remember writing this, back when 'triggered' was a very serious and respected term relating to people struggling with PTSD, especially war veterans, in reference to when something would 'trigger' their traumatic memories, force them to relive traumatic experiences, and break their fucking souls with panic attacks. And now it's used mockingly to tease people who get** **easily** **annoyed or upset, just fucking great, Internet...**

Let's say she meets some new girl who really, really pisses her off, to the point that she snaps and almost instinctively demolishes her, that's for worse, or instead, she just comes to realize that in the darkness is where she thrives, and that she can actually use her skills there to help her friends, which it almost seemed like she was gonna do in the movie for a second, that's for better.

 **I'm referring to the scene where she was in the dark hallway alone with the dazzlings, she initiated the conversation but it was quickly turned around on her and she was the one who got pwned, drat, I was so excited and ready to see her destroy them like she did Twilight in that same hallway back in the first movie.**

 **Also, as you're about to read and find out, I did** **blatantly** **miss one episode from the series: the Show Stoppers! I don't know HOW I missed it, but I did, and as a result, I had absolutely NO IDEA where the CMC's metal band came from, LOL.**

Another thing about the movie that I found very interesting is how the Cutie Mark Crusaders, just out of nowhere, apparently decided to become a thrash metal band, which, by the way, is amazing and the coolest part of the movie, but is quite shocking really, they're just three little freshmen, after all, and upon being confronted with a big battle of the bands, they somehow get it into their heads that going metal would be a good idea, keep in mind that they were the only ones in the whole school to go for metal, (and in the Pony world they listen to that pop singer pony, except for Sweetie Belle, who I guess might listen to metal, except I'm not sure if it even EXISTS there, but this is the Human world we're talking about so that stuff isn't really important), what the hell does that say about them!? I'm certainly not sure!

I think it probably works best for me if maybe they went about it logically, they took a moment to step back and look around at what the other bands were doing, observing the competition, and came to the conclusion that all the other bands are either going for pop, rock, just them and an instrument, or rap in the case of Snips and Snails, so, in order to win, they obviously need to stand out, but unlike Snips and Snails, they need to be cool, so they get thinking, and Scrumptious has been steadily listening to harder and harder rock over the years and she just recently reached the glorious peak of metal, so she figures, what better way to stand out, then by going with that!

 **Scrumptious was my cutesy-nickname for Scootaloo, it was mostly made up because I had a hard time remembering her actual name, as such I don't really use it anymore, unless I'm in a mood for call-backs and tradition.**

She tells the others her plan and they all eagerly agree, and viola! that's how their thrash metal band was made, (however, there is always the little joke about Metal Sweetie Belle: OH! look what Rarity's parenting has done to her! oh the horror! the sadness!) and yeah, I think that's just about all I really wanna say about the movie, so I suppose I'll stop for now.

Next time, I'll probably talk about some episodes, bye for now! (until the next update, if ever there is one, which I think their will be, see ya!)

-Tuesday, November 11, 2014.

 **By 'the little joke' I mean PAND'S little joke. I took a liking to Rarity right away when I first got into ponies, Pand, however, did not, and over the years now we've made countless jokes at Rarity's expense, all started off by Pand's dislike of her, which I kind of get, honestly.**

 **When all I knew about Rarity was her role in the first movie I thought she seemed wonderful, but as I watch the TV series more and more... well, she's not a bad person, but she's no angel, and it is just too damn easy (and fun) for us to make jokes about her being dumb, or slutty, or a terrible, shallow person. These kinds of jokes will show up increasingly as we move forward, but never fear, we don't discriminate! ALL the characters, in fact the whole world of Equestria, will be treated with gradually less respect over time. Not even I am safe! Seriously, you remember Pony Me? you remember how I'm gonna start writing his adventures in much more detail? you remember how he's described by me as 'the most unlikable protagonist ever'? Mm-hm, Rarity's just gonna be changing with the times, before long you'll be hearing me describe all of Equestria as a hellhole, and all of the characters as horrible people.**

 **I do want to clarify though that all these jokes are just that: jokes. They make me laugh and I have fun with them. I want you to understand that I still appreciate the show and characters for what they really are, to this day I still like Rarity, I still love ponies, I still enjoy the unedited, unjoked stories. I just also have a TON OF FUN joking around with Pand about everything being terrible. And it better fits my style of review anyway, because remember, Reviewer-Me is also generally negative and rather unlikable, so when I start blending my movie review style with my pony blog entries, it just naturally compels me to be crude and negative. If that's not the type of humor you enjoy, and you would rather see me review pony-stuff in the same fashion I have so far, I'm sincerely sorry, but I just have too much fun in the detailed, negative, sardonic style. However, I do personally thank and respect you for enjoying the, eh-hem, purer bits we've had so far.**


	8. Fun Top Ten Lists! Come see what I think

**Here's a bunch of the My Little Pony Top Ten Lists (or Top Five/Fifteen Lists) I made during Pony Week 2014.**

 **A couple of them were edited since then, but (with the exception of my clearly stated Update on Stay Strong and Flutter On) I don't know when or what exactly I edited, but they were changed to reflect my shifted opinion after having more time for things to balance out and my true opinion to become clearer. For instance, say I recently saw Episode Example #1, it's much more fresh in my mind than Episode Example #2, and I rate it higher as a result, but then as time goes by and the prominence of EE1 fades, I later decide that I actually like EE2 better.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Top Fifteen My Little Pony Character Designs!**

(Note: My Little Pony seems somewhat famous for it's unique animation style, with super bright backgrounds and lots of shiny shit. The characters also share this trend, and it all catches my eyes oh so very well, so here I am going to list down my favorite character designs. Know that this is not at all about their 'designs' as _a character,_ like feelings and mottos and what they stand for or anything like that, this is based almost entirely on looks, to put it crudely, with backstories acting as a tiny factor since let's face it the backstories act as the background behind their awesome design and can therefore increase it's awesomeness by a significant amount, also, only pony characters, that's right, no Discord, no Spike, none, it's just that the ponies are so much easier to compare with each other due to all having the same basic shape and features, enjoy.)

#15: Derpy Hooves.

Gray bod, blonde hair, hilarious eyes, almost always smiling, she's cute.

#14: Applebloom.

Applebloom is so fucking adorable.

#13: Rainbow Dash.

Making a Rainbow Pony was a pretty sweet idea, however, there's something about Rainbow Dash's design that bothers the hell out of me, I don't know quite what it is, but it's there, however, her beautiful magenta eyes mostly make up for it, so she's good.

#12: Applejack.

Making a Cowgirl Pony is an even better idea then making a Rainbow one, and Applejack rocks her look very, very well.

#11: Pinkie Pie.

An All-Pink Pony is by far the most obvious choice for a My Little Pony character design, yet... Pinkie Pie is freaking unique... somehow... plus she get's bonus points because with her there's Pinkie, and then there's Pinkamena, both of which look pretty amazing and therefore earn her this spot.

#10: Rarity.

Gorgeous purple hair, snowy white skin, beautiful eyes, an amazing hair style, and just one of the most loveable smiles I've ever seen, I've said enough.

#9: Sweetie Bell.

Sweetie Bell has one of the most amazingly beautiful manes in the whole cast, the colors are fantastic against each other, and it goes perfectly with her skin, I was originally thinking that I'd put her at #13, but now that I've thought about it more I've realized that I like her design better then all the others behind her, yes, even Rarity.

#8: Princess Luna.

Princess Luna looks astounding, she's a freaking badass Pony of the Night with dark skin and beautiful hair that sparkles like starlight, she deserves a high spot, sure, but in all honesty I think "Badass Pony of the Night With Dark Skin and Beautiful Hair That Sparkles Like Starlight" is a rather obvious design, I certainly thought of it before I saw her, and I'm sure many other people probably did, so it kinda comes across as a "anyone can do that" design, not exactly what I'd call creative, so I had to take some points off for that, but hey, it's only an obvious design because it's awesome as hell and everybody wants to see it, so it's not exactly something to be ashamed of, it's a compliment really.

#7: Queen Chrysalis.

She has such an awesome sleek, dark, swampy look about her, a pony practically dripping with evil and insidiousness, I know she's a changeling and all that, not an actual pony, but screw it, she still has a very pony body shape, so there.

#6: Twilight Sparkle.

There's something about Twilight's design that just catches me so off-guard, before I watched the show I never, ever, would have guessed that the main character would look like this, it's really impressive, really captures my focus, and I acknowledge that by putting it here.

#5: Maud Pie.

Maud Pie's design is dull, plain, bored, and is such an incredible breath of fresh air! this is a show where nothing is ever dull or plain or boring in terms of appearances, super-unique! tons of points!

#4: Vinyl Scratch.

Whoa! is this character's design special as hell or WHAT!? freaking awesome!

#3: the Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon.

Now I know Trixie's design isn't exactly the most unique or unexpected, but it's just too good to pass up, I can't think of the words to describe it, it's just #3, it just is, also note that Twilight vs. Trixie is my favorite rivalry in the show, the two of them just complement each others appearances and goals so amazingly well, bonus points.

#2: Princess Celestia.

Fucking, hair... it... astounds me... not to mention the rest of her design is frickin' sweet too... I don't know exactly who the genius is that thought up Celestia's design, but they deserve a medal!

#1: Future Twilight.

Future Twilight's design is the BEST! torn catsuit, scar on her cheek, whipped back hair, fucking eye-patch, it's regular Twilight's design, only improved! cool, as, hell.

* * *

 **Top Ten My Little Pony Friendship is Magic Episodes.**

(Note: I'm only counting Seasons 1-4, no movies of course, and I'm not counting Magical Mystery Cure, simply because it's such an unusual episode, it feels like something else almost entirely, and therefore I doubt I'd be able to properly compare it to the others.)

#10: Maud Pie.

(My god, these #10 and #9 spots were hard, the Top Eight were easy to pick out, but quite a few episodes just kinda tie together after them.)

As I've said before, this episode, and especially the e _pony_ mous character, are really refreshing after so many episodes of the usual bright jolly stuff.

#9: Over a Barrel.

A really fun episode, I liked it, things got crazy.

#8: Ponyville Confidential.

The very first Cutie Mark Crusaders Episode that I actually enjoyed, it really has a wonderful story, I'd expect just about everyone to have a great time watching it.

#7: Magic Duel.

Oh my god, this episode was fucking badass! that's right, My Little Pony can be badass when it really wants to. Oh! the plot! the pain! the ruthlessness! with our hero being cast out into exile to train until she's strong enough to return and reclaim everything, in the meantime, our villain, who's doing this out of beautiful vengeance and a lust for power, tortures the hero's friends and rules the place with an iron fist!

Pretty much the only way the episode could be better is if the actual "duelling" was a little less 'hey! check out what I can do! PAZAA! bet you can't do that!" and a lot more 'Die, die, die, die die die die DIE DIE DIE!' with lots of magical horn blasts at each other and bright magical auras and summoning wind and hovering over water and making it foam around, you know, like what Twilight Vs. Tirek would be only it didn't suck. **(Present-Time Note: OOOH, watch out, guys, we got a badass over here! this punk don't like the popular stuff, how edgy and rebellious. Heh, seriously though, I didn't like Twilight Vs. Tirek, Tirek's entire thing is that he absorbs magic and it makes him stronger, yet Twilight decides to fight him with magic, it's just dumb and nonsensical, you don't beat Mario by throwing super mushrooms at him, she should've outsmarted Tirek instead of physically fighting him with the magic of friendship power super-form of the week),** The real fighting however... sucks pretty bad, it sucks so bad it dragged this thing down to #7, which sucks since it arguably has the best story layout of any episode, with all the emotional tension and such, it would definitely be in the top four if the fighting was how I'd like it to be.

#6: Spike at Your Service.

Awesomest Spike episode ever, and a great performance of the old "my life is yours for saving it story", which, I find to be underused, despite the other fans thinking otherwise.

...yeah, I think a good chunk of these are gonna piss people off, as usual with me and my unpopular opinions within an unpopular fanbase. (*cough*Shadow the Hedgehog's an amazing Sonic game*cough*)

#5: Keep Calm and Flutter On.

This episode didn't JUST live up to my expectations, it pushed them almost twice-over! it's a spectacular episode humor-wise and is one of the, oh, well, actually, it's like the ONLY ONE that actually manages to teach it's lesson well, in my opinion anyway, and by "well" I mean so that it's lesson actually has some sort of emotional impact, no other episode has that, most other lessons are taught so generically and predictably that it makes me roll my eyes, but this makes me feel emotionally moved. **(Present-Time Note: oh my god I'm legitimately tearing up just remembering it.)**

Update: hey uh, for the record, Bridle Gossip actually passes it's lesson off really awesomely, so it's not the _only_ one.

#4: Lesson Zero.

Almost universally saluted as the funniest episode and one of the best episodes period, and well, yeah, it sort of is, I'm not sure if it's the funniest, but it's at least ONE OF the funniest, and just has a very different style to it, it's very fast-paced, I can only think of one other episode that's like that even for some of it.

And it's next.

#3: Puttin' Yo' Hoof **Down.** (Putting Your Hoof Down)

Now, this is **the second most hated episode** by the other fans, and the #1 hated by many, however, as exampled many times before, the average fan's taste and my taste are often unbelievably different, I, LOVE, this episode! to me, everything about it is just, well, FUN! and exciting! I don't know why, maybe it's my childhood love for dark shit and conflict, or maybe it's because I FREAKING LOVE seeing Fluttershy in a completely different light!

It sort of felt like character development on one hand, and intense zaniness on the other, but you know, good zany, not crazy cartoon zany, more of "the quiet character freaking the fuck out over little things" zany, and not stupid unreasonable things that seem morally incorrect in context (Power Ponies), but fun petty things! (my love for pettiness is most likely also a factor), and then of course, there's also the sheer beauty of the fact that it's Fluttershy, **GOING OVER TO THE DARK SIDE!** Fluttershy of all people! if anybody were to have done this, she's the awesomest choice! I love it when she does shit like this! (the other time having been in Best Night Ever), and, as other fans have pointed out, there's the interesting and surprising fact that Iron Will did what Discord failed to do, _**Discord.**_

And then there's also Iron Will in general, I freakin' love the guy, doesn't everybody love hammy work-out instructors? he's like Rex from Napoleon Dynamite, entertainment gold.

So basically, this episode is an amazing, beautiful, underrated piece of work, and is the very best one-part episode.

...which is weird, like, really weird, 'cause it's a Fluttershy episode of all things, the kind I would expect least to win, in and out of the Main Six.

#2: the Crystal Empire.

The Crystal Empire is an amazing episode in my opinion, it may not be the funniest, and it may have one of the, uh, lesser cool villains, I'll admit, but is has the highest sense of adventure, and one of the best songs, and if that wasn't enough, it has one other thing that would possibly throw it into the Top Ten all on it's own.

Spike.

Spike partakes in the adventure.

Like, he actually is at least partly responsible for saving everyone, the whole way through.

THAT is one of my biggest problems with the show, (and my ONLY problem with the upcoming #1), that Spike is pushed to the side whenever trouble shows up and everyone forgets about him, it's disgusting, and it happens all the time, it happened with Discord, it happened with Chrysalis, it happened with Nightmare Moon, it happened with Everfree, it happened with Tirek, hell it even happened with Trixie, but it did NOT happen in this episode! no! guess what, Sombra!? you're all Spike's!

However, there is, one, single, episode, that tops this glorious masterpiece...

#1: the Return of Harmony.

Pretty much universally bowed down to as being the very best episode, and rightly so! the fans made the right call on this one, I've talked before about all the amazing parts and points of it, and if you've seen it, I probably don't need to again.

Special Honorable Mentions: One Bad Apple, Best Night Ever.

One Bad Apple probably would have been on here if it weren't for the questionable moral, I mean, it doesn't really matter if Babs was trying to escape being bullied herself, she still bullied them, and she did it worse then Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon ever did, a Freudian Excuse doesn't change that.

Best Night Ever was fun and hilarious.

Honorable Mentions: the Ticket Master, Sisterhooves Social, A Canterlot Wedding, Sweet and Elite, Dragonshy, many others.

Or... if we switched to counting movies...

#10: Ponyville Confidential.

#9: Magic Duel.

#8: Spike at Your Service.

#7: Keep Calm and Flutter On.

#6: Lesson Zero.

#5: Puttin' Yo Hoof **Down.** (Putting Your Hoof Down)

#4: the Crystal Empire.

#3: the Return of Harmony.

#2: Equestria Girls 2: Rainbow Rocks.

#1: Equestria Girls.

...then that takes care of the whole not being sure what to do for #9 and #10 thing!

 **Since making this, I have very slowly shifted to slightly liking Rainbow Rocks more than the first Equestria Girls, they're both 10/10, and Equestria Girls has a more emotionally-driven story, but when it comes to repeated viewings Rainbow Rocks is more fun the third, fourth, fifth, and so on times.**

* * *

 **Top Fifteen My Little Pony Songs!**

(Note: okay, okay, I won't include my Dragonshy Rap Song, also, I'll try to make it more about the music itself than the context or the videos, but I'm not gonna try too hard, also, it's music, it's bendy, preference changes with mood, so song lists are like, near impossible to make 100% accurate.)

#15: You Gotta Share, You Gotta Care.

Freakin' hilarious.

#14: Becoming Popular.

It's been like forever since I first heard this, but I can still remember part of the chorus, and it's rockin', Rarity sure doesn't sing very often it seems, shame, a lot of the other fans agree that she has one of the best singing voices.

#13: the Ballard of the Crystal Empire.

Okay, so context falls pretty heavy on this one, but I just have this instinctual love for it ever since the first time around, I did still take points off of it to compensate though.

#12: Hearts as Strong as Horses.

They're just the wittle Cutie Mark Crusaders, and they're trying to be so strong! dey 'ave their own adorable wittle twaining montage oh yes dey do!

#11: Battle of the Bands.

The evil counterpart to Helping Twilight Win the Crown.

Top Ten Time!

#10: This Day Aria.

This is worshipped by the fans and I can understand why, it is a good song, very enjoyable, a little bit emotional when Cadance starts crying, and Queen Chrysalis' bits are slightly humorous due to the sheer ridiculousness of her actions and the freaking faces she makes, not to mention the song doesn't have a chorus and is therefore completely unrepetitive, so bonus points for that.

#9: Awesome as I Wanna Be.

This song describes Rainbow Dash's character so well I honestly can hardly believe it exists!

It's even more surprising due to the fact that it **is Rainbow Dash's ONLY lead song...!**

#8: Bats!

Applejack's performance here is unbelievable! and it gets shock humorous (and borderline creepy) when everyone starts chanting around Fluttershy, this is also like the one time I've 100% taken Fluttershy's side in an argument between my friends, despite Applejack's amazing pre-mentioned performance. Bats are our Allies against mankind's mortal enemy, the mosquito... and the fact that the others were kinda creeping me out and Fluttershy looked so close to tears helped.

#7: Better Than Ever.

Pep, cheer, groove, an all-around sweet song about how fucking awesome things are at Canterlot High for the Rainbooms.

#6: the Cutie Mark Crusaders Anthem.

How people could ever dislike this masterpiece of musical artistry is beyond me, it is just way too good, all of it, every second.

#5: Rainbow Rocks.

If this beat and it's backgrounds doesn't get you pumped for the upcoming movie, nothing will!

#4: Under My Spell.

This song's chorus, especially with the video montage, really gets you into the competitive spirit between the different bands, I feel like one of the competitors! it was arguably the very best part of Equestria Girls 2.

#3: What My Cutie Mark is Telling Me.

This freaking amazing song was used beautifully as a perfect tool for explaining the episode's dilemma, it finally taught me just how important cutie marks really are to the characters, and reaches an unbelievable high during the final chorus, with the black screen, and all of them in little circles, followed by the colorful halves-shot, it all just has such intense emotion and really makes me feel for all the characters and finally take the cutie mark concept seriously.

#2: Babs Seed.

Possibly the greatest Cutie Mark Crusader moment, this song stands out from any song the Main Six have ever sung together or apart, with a completely different style to it then any other song in the show, period.

I find it really reflects what the Cutie Mark Crusaders are like on the inside, in perfect harmony with each other and their happy excited innocent nature, the song features constant singing, switching between background and them directly, which is something no other song in the show has done as far as I can think of, and it only get's better, and better, and better with the context and especially the video animations, the song is just like them, near constant chatter, exciting, happy, innocent, sweet, misery and stress about Babs, it really just carries all their emotion onto it.

The final line of the chorus is the highest point.

#1: Helping Twilight Win the Crown.

The only song in and out of the show that I can remember falling in love with instantly, on the very first line, full of pep and a great message, with one of the most amazing rhythms I've ever heard, this isn't just the greatest song in the franchise, it's one of the greatest songs ever!

Honorable Mention #1: A True True Friend.

Decided not to count it, I know this is supposed to be a happy song, and a lot of fans really like it, but... there's... there's just something about it... that makes me really freakin' sad and depressed, I have like no idea why, so, beats me, but looking past that it is a pretty fun and catchy song, if only I could enjoy it...

However, I suppose it's also pretty repetitive, so whatever.

Honorable Mention #2: Time to Come Together.

Not too good of a song, but with a good message, and a likeable tune.

Honorable Mention #3: Pinkie's Laughter Song.

I like, only heard the song once, a long time ago, but as I recall I did rather enjoy it.

Honorable #4: Pony Princess Good, High School Great.

Fan-made, so it doesn't count, but it's FRICKIN' AMAZING.

* * *

 **Top Ten Minor My Little Pony Characters!**

(Examples: Big Mac, Bulk Biceps, Shining Armor, Princess Cadance, Iron Will, Flash Sentry, Spitfire, Snips and Snails, Mayor Mare, Zecora, you get the idea.)

#11: Snips and Snails.

#10: Granny Smith.

#9: Shining Armor.

#8: Flash Sentry.

#7: Bulk Biceps.

#6: Princess Cadence.

#5: Zecora.

#4: Big Macintosh.

#3: Seabreeze.

#2: Iron Will.

#1: Maud Pie.

* * *

 **Top Five Background My Little Pony Characters!**

(Examples: Derpy and such, it's okay if they actually have spoken once or twice before, as Derpy has.)

#5: Lyra.

#4: Vinyl Scratch.

#3: Bonbon.

#2: Derpy.

#1: Button Mash.

Don't you just LOVE him!?

Honorable Mentions: Berry Punch, Doctor Whooves, Octavia.

* * *

 **Top Ten My Little Pony Villains!**

(No examples needed, they're just the villains.)

#10: the Dazzlings.

They were actually pretty good.

#9: Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

These two are so entertaining.

#8: Everything in the Everfree Forest.

Our mortal enemy!

#7: King Sombra.

For the Empire!

#6: the Nightmare Moon Entity.

This is pretty much the venom symbiote from Marvel comics, that's cool.

#5: Queen Chrysalis and the Changelings.

They attacked Canterlot directly! did you _see_ what they did to the city!? do you have any idea how much work it took to rebuild it!? they're also **epic as fuck.**

#4: the Evil Mane Six.

It's about to get good whenever someone good goes bad.

#3: Sunset Shimmer.

Wow, she's reformed.

#2: Trixie.

Wow, she's reformed.

#1: Discord.

Wow, he's reformed.

...they sure like to reform the best villains, don't they?

Honorable Mention: Tirek.

Had potential, a lot of potential, but... they blew it.

* * *

 **Top Eleven My Little Pony Main Characters!**

 **Time for the list everybody REALLY wanted to see, before you even start I would like to say that since I made this list I've come to absolutely LOVE Fluttershy, mostly just because Pand started making her a hilarious deadpan snarker in our adaptions and other works. So nowadays she'd be rated higher than she is here.**

(Examples: Mane Six, Cutie Mark Crusaders, the Princesses, Spike.

#11: Fluttershy.

She's this low for not being a very good friend.

#10: Princess Luna.

Yay! Luna!

#9: Princess Celestia.

TO THE MOON!

But seriously, she may be evil scum, but she's really enjoyable and interesting evil scum.

#8: Sunset Shimmer.

She made a great villain, now she makes a good hero.

#7: Applejack.

Strong, loyal, brave, admirable...

#6: Pinkie Pie.

"This is the most daring dare anypony has ever dared dare another pony to dare!" - she has the best damn lines.

#5: Rainbow Dash.

Oh, yeah! me and my bud, Rainbow Dash, best friends since the Mysterious Mare-Do-Well.

#4: Rarity.

Oh sweet Rarity.

#3: the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

May as well slap them all here, more room on the list for other characters, besides, they're at their awesomest when being a trio and working together, which earns them #3.

\- Or, if you absolutely insist that I choose between them, I'd say it has to be...

#3: Applebloom.

#2: Scrumptious.

#1: Sweetie Belle.

But remember, if they're not all slapped together then they fall down to around #9, #10, and #11, hence "they're at their awesomest when being a trio and working together, which earns them #3."

#2: Spike.

Gotta love Spike, as I've said before, my biggest problem with the show is how he always gets pushed to the side and ignored, even in Lesson Zero, where everything was fine for the most part, the others weren't kind enough to think of asking him if he wanted to come to the picnic with them, though I guess it's possible they could have asked offscreen... anyway, Spike rocks.

#1: _Nyx!_

HA! joke! that's a fake.

The REAL #1: Twilight Sparkle.

Oh YEAH, don't nobody mess with my gal Twilight Sparkle! I remember way back when we first met... *sniff* o-oh! it was so beautiful! oh why did we have to move on...!? couldn't we just... stay in the high school forever...!?

(I love Equestria Girls way too much.)

Okay, that's all, everybody, hope you enjoyed my lists!


	9. Goodbye, Pony Week 2014!

**This update was basically just a closing ceremony for Pony Week 2014.**

Blog Entry #6: hey guys, I'll talk about the episodes and stuff in the next update, in this one I'm just letting you know that it's now the end of Pony Week, and in final celebration I tried to get my hands onto some of the comics, 'cause I REALLY want to read the comics, and review those too, but unfortunately my search was a bust.

On the brighter side, however, I've successfully written plenty of lists this week, and I'm also writing this right now, so I guess I'm cool, so yeah, bye guys, hope you had a good Pony Week, with lots of ponies, keep on rockin', and always remember, when you see Pony Week comin', you better get ready to, get'cho BRONY on.

-Saturday, November 15, 2014.

 **As you can probably tell, back at this point Pony Week was more of a 'just do stuff with ponies in general' thing than a 'write a bunch about ponies in the blog' thing. I spent the whole week writing, thinking, drawing, and watching ponies... but didn't actually write a whole lot in the blog, most of the 'writing' went to the lists and only a small amount to the reviews.**


	10. Post-Pony Week 2014 Withdrawal (Short)

Pony Blog Entry #7: well for Goodbye Pony Week Day, and because this would mark one year since Update #1, eleven months since Update #2, and six months since Update #4, I decided to do this and tell you about what I've done today that considers Ponies, (don't worry, I'm still gonna review episodes and stuff, just not this night.)

I've realized that I should do a Top Five Everfree Monsters List, I'll do that sometime, as well as maybe a Top Five Non-Pony and Non-Everfree Races list, with shit like Griffins, Diamond Dogs, and Breezies.

I spent most of today's afternoon drawing a picture of Princess Luna and then a picture of Twilight Vs. Trixie like I've been wanting to do for months, now, I draw on like super-rare occasions because it takes me forever because I suck at it, so for me to put so much time and effort into that, that's pretty freakin' big for me.

I also think I'll write a song parody of Under My Spell about bronies, and it'll be awesome, I hope, probably.

See ya' around, fans! remember, when you see Goodbye Pony Week Day comin', you better get ready to... wait for it... get'cho BRONY on.

-Sunday, November 16, 2014.

 **I'm sorry this entry doesn't have much on it, (like the last one), I would include a picture of my drawings if I could, but FFN doesn't give me that ability.**

 **Unfortunately, I never did get around to writing those lists I mentioned, due to my pony-time being consumed by much more important ventures. And while I did try to write that song a couple times, I had very little of it originally planned out and couldn't finish it to my satisfaction. (The fact that I didn't actually know a whole lot about my fellow bronies didn't help, to this day I'm not a very active member of the brony community, I write my blog, watch a few other peoples' episode/movie reviews or analysis', and that's about it. I love, love, LOVE how we freakin' rule the internet though, you can find people with pony profile pics practically everywhere. #BroniesRuleTheInternet)**


	11. NOW FOR THE GOOD STUFF!

**WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!**

 **This is the point in my blog where we cross the line from nostalgic but bland blog entries into AWESOME and high-quality blog entries!**

 _(The rest of this chapter is a short history lesson explaining why this is the dividing point between the two eras, if you want to get on with the reviews you can just go to the next chapter.)_

The date to remember is August 1, 2015, the day I wrote both Pony Blog Entry #8 _and_ my very first REAL movie review!

Everything I wrote prior to the date of 08/01/2015 is considered the "Classic Era" of this blog.

Everything I wrote after and on the date of 08/01/2015 is considered the "Modern Era".

Every chapter uploaded before this was, of course, the Classic Era, as you know it was cute and sweet but not anything super-entertaining, I would mostly give very quick episode "reviews" where I just say one or two things about it and my overall opinion. (There were exceptions, such as the review of The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well, where I took a much more Modern Era approach and actually dug into the damn thing, but those were rare.)

But now that we're entering the Modern Era, my writing style is going to become MUCH more entertaining, the biggest change is the addition of _massive amounts of_ _comedy._ You see, the Classic Era is written as if I was sharing my strange MLP experiences in a manner resembling small talk with a pal, but the Modern Era is written as if I was putting on a comedic skit for a large and riotous audience!

I also expand my scope of activities far past what they were before, you can expect to see all of the following fun-fun-fun in the coming chapters:

1\. more in-depth and hilarious Friendship is Magic reviews.

2\. more in-depth and hilarious Equestria Girls reviews.

3\. hilarious reviews of movies that aren't MLP-related, but I will reference MLP in them and vice-versa.

4\. hilarious reviews of MLP-related flash games.

5\. hilarious reviews of MLP-related app games.

6\. hilarious reviews of MLP books.

7\. ACTUAL MLP FANFICTION.

 _And so, much, more!_

...

And now, to everybody who has read all of the Classic Era, I say:

Thank you so much, I hope you enjoyed reading my more personal diaries and sympathize with my experiences logged there. Rest assured that it will pay off at least a little further down the line, as you now have understanding and reference for everything that came before.

...

And to anyone who skipped ahead and are just joining now, I say:

Welcome to the Modern Era of my pony blog. This is where the fun starts, the Classic Era is admittedly pretty dull and I don't blame you for skipping it.

It's not at all necessary to have read the Classic Era in order to enjoy the following content, which stands on as a masterpiece completely on it's own. (Though there may occasionally be small moments of confusion brought by references to the Classic Era that you, of course, won't get.)

...

And to everybody, I say:

ENJOY!


	12. Merlin & the Dragons Part 1

**I'm Dragon this film down a notch: a Merlin and the Dragons Review!**

Yo' everyone! I'm in a bit of a writing slump lately, due to many reasons, but you know what's pretty easy and fun to write? movie reviews! so I was thinking that maybe doing one, which I felt like doing anyway, would help get all those creative juices pulsing through my head again, and now I just have to decide _what_ movie, well, just yesterday I managed to find a movie I saw as a little kid, called _Merlin and the Dragons_ , that movie _sacred and confused the fuck out of kid-me_ , and even though I didn't necessarily dislike it, **I've never forgotten what it did.**

So today I'm gonna unleash my vengeance by criticizing the FUCK out of it!

(Note: inspiration for this review comes from Erik Van Rooy's many wonderful works.)

 **(Present-Time Note: Erik Van Rooy was my motherfucking idol when I was sixteen-seventeen, I loved that guy, he was a small time blogger who reviewed awful horror movies, but suddenly stopped uploading and never came back on July 28, 2015, only four days before I wrote this movie review. I miss him to this day.)**

And oh yeah, by the way, turns out this movie is apparently an adaption of an actual Arthurian legend, which is GREAT! since for ages now I've respected Arthurian legends as the comic-books of the old days, seriously, think about it, they're full of the _ridiculous_ drama, romance, deaths, and character archetypes found throughout modern-day comic-books, hell, they even ran in a freaking series! as you'll notice that it's not all just one big adventure, but actually many adventures that run over the course of many years, many of those adventures focusing on various individual characters instead of Arthur, like comic-book mini-series', or you know, parts of the comic just dedicated to them, this isn't much of a surprise as they also had a comic-book-like massive amount of characters, the Knights of the Round Table alone consisted of fucking 57 people, many of whom were given their own focus in side-tales, and some characters even had different incarnations! (the Black Knight had four, _**four**_ ), that's something I've pretty much only ever seen in comic-books, such as how there were two Robins, a few Spider-Men, couple Green Lanterns, and like a billion Venoms, (though that one is admittedly much more believable than the others), anyway the point I'm making is that they were the closest thing the world had to comic-books before comic-books were invented, so I salute you, Arthurian Legends, you rock pretty good.

 _But ten bucks says this thing won't have nothin' on the Princess & the Goblin!_

...except maybe dragons, it might have dragons.

 **(Present-Time Note: _the Princess & the Goblin_ is another childhood movie of mine I had recently rediscovered and enjoyed in 2015.)**

So onto the review!

We open up with _two_ screens in a row saying 'Lightyear Productions Presents', ooh! stuffing your company's name in our faces right off the bat, huh? that's not a good sign.

After some more opening credits, we find a very dreary castle and landscape, in the pouring rain, and fuck, it looks like even the grass is dying! it's gray, the sky's gray, the castle's gray, oh and did I mention THE FUCKING GRASS IS GRAY!?

The grass is gray! huh! I guess life isn't gonna thrive here for very long!

Lightning strikes the castle... it doesn't do anything, not even leave a mark... yeah, I'm sure that's how lightning works.

...oh god, I don't know how much more of this I can take, how far in are we?

A MINUTE!? aw, fuck!

Lightning also strikes an anvil, doesn't do shit to that either, and a voice starts up, saying that it was a terrible night (duh) and that Arthur had just recently been crowned king.

Oh, well I assume this is just a GREAT omen of his leadership then, either that or this horrid land is what he's been dealt and has to fix.

The voice then tells us that Arthur is having a(nother) nightmare, or 'bad dream' as the voice puts it, and we go into Arthur's room and watch him sleep. As if that wasn't creepy enough, he then tosses and turns and eventually we enter his dream, where he's just standing there, in whiteness.

...what's so bad about that?

But a moment later the anvil from outside suddenly appears before him, with a sword stabbed into it's top.

...oh _hell_ no.

First off, isn't it supposed to be a _stone?_

Second, even if it isn't, his 'bad dreams' are him getting to relive the greatest moment in his life thus far!? oh _come ON_ , you've got to be kidding! there's people who would _kill_ for that!

Unless of course, he tries to pull it out and it won't budge a-oh wait! nope! he totally pulls the thing out without even trying! it even flashes with white light all 'you are the ultimate!'-ly at him, so... what the fuck's the problem, Arthur?

Well, he then drops it all surprised, and it clatters on the floor with a clang, and then... one single voice starts laughing at him? followed by two more? and then a crowd of people appear around him, out of which exactly those three are visibly laughing, we then get an instant-replay of the sword being dropped, and then Arthur starts breathing huge gasps of embarrassment, his eyes HUGE and fearful, and then he wakes up, in a sitting position no less, I'm sure that really happens to people.

...okay, let's go over everything wrong with that dream:

Arthur... you're king now, do you not realize that? those three guys are _idiots_ , it doesn't fucking matter if you drop the sword, you pulled the thing out, that's what's important here, you could've broken it on your fucking knee for all the thing itself matters at this point, you could have those three goons arrested or executed or whatever the fuck you want, everybody agreed that whoever pulled the sword would be king, and now that's you, man! whether they like it or not! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

Moving on!

So he wakes up in the sitting position (ugh), and slowly looks to see the sword hanging on the wall opposite of him, he hugs his knees a bit, real impressive, and starts to get out of bed.

The voice starts up again and tells us that Arthur then grabbed a candle, which we of course watch him do, making this whole 'narration' thing utterly pointless, we're then told (much more helpfully) that Arthur picks up the crown he had just carelessly tossed aside when he went to bed earlier that night, and we watch him pick up said crown, which is, I must say, one lame crown, just my god, it's a gold ring with a couple little bumps and rectangles running around it, I j-just, well, I just hate it! I hate it! get that thing out of my sight! _**now**_ I see why he carelessly tossed it aside! do it again, Arthur! just the once more! for me! DO IT!

You know, there certainly has been a lack of Merlin in this movie so far, despite things like, oh, you know, the title, seriously, it's all been Arthur, and the stupid narrator.

Speaking of the narrator, he then says that Arthur... comes to visit him in his tower.

Well, I'm now convinced Merlin's the narrator, so... he's had a half-role so far?

We're then treated to a montage of Arthur walking through doors and heading up stairs, along with **_MORE opening credits._** Seriously! what the hell, movie!? we're already minutes away into the film, and you decide _now_ would be a good time to list down people who worked on it!? that shit's for the beginning and the end for fuck sakes! why didn't you just play these during the first opening credits!? you could've! all you'd need to do is run them a good bit faster is all, it would've been fine! what, are you just trying to drag the thing out or something 'cause you felt that the actual _plot_ was too short!?

 _ **Next!**_

Eventually Arthur reaches the top of the tower and slowly knocks on the door, the sound echoing around the place.

...there's no answer.

On a related note, I am getting increasingly infuriated with all the slow drawn-out-ness going on, GET INTERESTING DAMN IT!

Also, while the lack of Merlin has been dealt with, somewhat, there's still a distinct lack of dragons, come on, when do we get to the most epic mystical creature of all time!?

However, this is actually an extremely common theme in works that involve dragons, _**unfortunately** ,_ so I, _suppose_ , I can wait.

So then Arthur, being a little prick, decides to just barge on in, and after a moment of searching he finds Merlin asleep in his chair beside the fire, with an owl sleeping on his shoulder, Merlin's owl then opens his eyes when Arthur approaches and gives out a hoot, Merlin opens one eye to look at his owl, proving to me in my mind that _the jackass was awake the whole time_ , and then he opens both eyes to look at Arthur, he then proceeds to (pretend to) stretch his arms tiredly, and asks Arthur what the fuck he thinks he's do'in bothering Merlin in the middle of the night, and then... Arthur responds with "I am the king! I go where I please!"

My jaw drops.

...FUCK! _**NOW** ,_ when he's talking to one of his only actual _friends_ , is when he finally grows a backbone and reminds people that he's king!? hey Arthur! where was that attitude back when _you were getting laughed at by three guys in your dream, hmmm!?_

This film is stupid.

Merlin then _totally owns Arthur_ by saying that Arthur is a boy, and fragile little boys need their sleep at night, _**ooh!**_

I take back my complaints from earlier, this film just got really fun really fast!

So then Arthur just gapes at Merlin, not sure what the hell to say because _he just got owned by an old man_ , so then he pathetically gasps out that he... he... he can't sleep, okay Merlin!?

Merlin then continues to own Arthur's ass at every turn by simply asking why the hell not? while making the weirdest-ass face possible.

 **(Present-Time Note: when I first wrote this thing, it included images, just like Erik's reviews. FFN however does not allow images, so those are all gone. I will instead fill in the blanks with a description of the image between brackets.)**

[picture of Merlin's weird face]

Told you.

Just like, the fuck is that? all well, he's awesome, moving on.

Arthur then nervously admits that he has 'bad dreams', he doesn't bother to go into any detail whatsoever, and a good thing for him too I guess, as his dreams are absolutely ridiculous, anyway, Merlin then repeats the word 'dreams' with sudden interest, and stands up, walking forward and grabbing Arthur by his shoulder, he repeats the word again, and, while guiding Arthur aside, he adds "I could read your dreams."

...

Okay... that's... kinda creepy.

Seriously, even the fucking owl looks all disturbed and flies off to the side, getting the fuck out when he still can.

(I would probably include a picture here if it wasn't for the fact that they take up massive amounts of memory space on this thing, so enjoy them, they're gonna be rare as fuck, hell, I'll probably remove the one of Merlin's face up there, if you're asking "what picture of Merlin's face up there?" then there's your answer as to whether or not I did.)

So then we suddenly cut ahead to Merlin and Arthur both seated beside the fire, the owl flying down onto Merlin's shoulder again, Merlin then begins to fetch himself some soup from the cauldron hanging over the fire, and asks Arthur to tell him about his dreams.

Arthur then says that they're always the same, _OH REALLY?_ so that means that there are in fact no other, actually _bad_ dreams, or even _different_ ones, to compare to the pathetic excuse we saw earlier.

Wuss.

Arthur then goes on to explain that in these dreams, a 'fatherless boy' (that's right, he doesn't even have the guts to tell Merlin that it's him) just suddenly ups and becomes the new king, just because he pulls a sword from a 'stone' (he also doesn't mention that it's an anvil), he also doesn't bother to mention the laughing people or anything, making his 'bad dream' once again seem like the thing people would kill for, oh, and he totally says it all in the way that suggests he has no idea where they're coming from.

Wait... what?

B-but other than Arthur being dumb as fuck, the only way for that to possibly make sense is...!

A-are you saying... that this is _**before**_ Arthur pulls the sword from the stone? WHAT!? b-but he has the crown! and the fucking sword! HE HAS THE GOD DAMN SWORD! and we saw the empty anvil outside! what the hell's going on here!? what are they trying to pull!? THIS, IS, BULLSHIT! n-no! just no! I refuse to accept this!

 _ **Anyway,**_ Merlin is then all 'oh, really? huh, that sounds familiar, _I think I might know that boy._ ' while pounding on Arthur with his eyes.

You know what? I really love Merlin.

So after Arthur's at yet another lost for words, Merlin get's all 'you know what? fine! if you won't tell me any more about your dreams, then I'm just gonna start talkin' about one of mine all up in this house! _besides_ , what's more fitting than a story on a dreary-ass night like this!? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!'

Did I mention that I really love this guy?

Also, he starts feeding the soup to the owl... just, thought I should mention that.

At this, Arthur's interest is actually peeked, and he's all 'huh? a story? oh thank god, I could really use a good story to help me forget about my troubles.'

Troubles that don't fucking exist.

Then Merlin's all 'very well then, have I got a story for you, for once, I had a dream... about dragons.'

 _BOOM._ goes the thunder, and the owl flies away... again. Cooing fearfully.

And then Arthur says "ooh! dragons!? I like dragons!"

And then Merlin's talk is all 'oh yes, you should, as dragons are the magical creature equivalent of wizards and kings.' but his face is all 'ooh, not after this story you won't!'

We then, very slowly, pan into the flames dancing around in the fireplace, until the flames fade and are replaced by a beautiful blue sky, with birds and clouds and shit like that, the camera then pans down into rolling green hills, standing on one of which was a single figure, and then Merlin's voice starts up again, saying that there once was a small boy called Emrys, who lived in the rugged hills of Northern Wales, and he was very lonely, and _fatherless_ , but what he lacked in male parental relatives, he made up for in his sharp eyes, like that of a hawk's, and his mouth, which... rarely smiled, ALSO like that of a hawk's, and he too, Arthur, was troubled by dreams, and even visions, that he did not understand.

We then... very abruptly cut to an (actually!) nightmarish image of a castle being split in half by an earthquake, followed by raging flames shooting out from under it-OH, I see! they built the castle on top of a volcano! of _course_ , NEXT SCENE!

After a moment of watching the castle ruins smoke, we fade back to Emrys, who's... disturbingly undisturbed, he just casually shrugs it off and continues on his way.

We then follow 'Emrys' (I bet that's not his real name, he's probably just Merlin) as he climbs his was down a rocky hillside, Merlin's voice starts up again, this time saying that since 'Emrys' didn't have no papa, he had made friends with an old geezer who lived hidden away in the mountains, and never left them.

Ever.

Anyway, this old man apparently seemed to have been around since forever, and was a big fat know-it-all, he knew how to read and write (despite only ever living in the mountains), and how birds speak (by chirping, duh), and even why leaves turned brown in the fall (um, first off, not all leaves do, second, it's not hard to figure out why, it's for the same reason flowers wither and stuff like that).

And he'd never tell another soul any of them.

...except for 'Emrys', who he apparently liked for some reason, he totally went on ahead and taught him _everything_ he knows, despite him being an emo little prick, stupid lucky Emrys.

Oh, and by the way, Emrys' mother is _**a princess** ,_ just so we all know, but she lives very far away from her father's castle, for some reason that is never given or explained, so it's not gonna affect the plot at all, just throwing that out there for us.

Asshole. *rolls eyes*

She was a good little princess-mother, but she had no idea how to, let alone be interested in, climbing trees or catching tadpoles or other little boy sports that Emrys is apparently into, so that part of his childhood he had to improvise with, but it wasn't easy, as all the other little boys tease him for not knowing who his father is, and would never let him join in their games-WAIT A SECOND! hold on there! that's...! there are THREE big problems with this!

First of all, did you NOT tell us earlier that he lives in the 'rugged hills'? how many other people possibly live there!? apparently enough for there to be a crowd of little boys his age, tsk, second, why would they tease him at all!? his mom's a fucking princess! he could be heir to the throne one day! these kids are almost as stupid as the three people from Arthur's dream! and third of all, even if they absolutely insist on teasing the potential future king during his sensitive childhood, why, the FUCK, would they choose to tease him about not knowing who his father is!? the only reason I can think of is to make him feel as bad as possible! WHICH IS NOT ONLY EVEN MORE SUICIDAL, but utterly pointless otherwise! what!? did they all just decide 'yo' fellas! let's be as cruel as we possibly can to that poor boy, 'K yall?' 'you got that right, mah homie.' 'damn straight.'

...

NEXT!

And so, long story short as fuck, Emrys spent his days watching birds and fish and butterflies and birds inevitably eating fish who were also inevitably eating butterflies, and told NOBODY about his strange dreams, we're then... 'treated' to a sight of him looking into a pool and getting a vision of two dragons (YES, FINALLY!), one red and one white, and the (REDACTED) one kills the (REDACTED) one by-GOD DAMN IT, MOVIE! you just went and spoiled the ending of the fight! _**what the fuck is wrong with you!?**_ well I say no! I'm at least leaving it as a surprise for the readers god damn it!

So then, after the one dragon, ugh, _dies_ , the vision slowly fades away, leaving Emrys... disturbingly undisturbed, again, hell, this time he even _smiles_.

THE FUCK'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, BOY!?

And then... the story takes a very weird turn, I don't feel at all like talking about every detail so I'm just gonna skim this part for you:

Basically, he uses his knowledge and his way with animals to get the other boys to tolerate him, yes, the thing even outright admits that they aren't really friends, he's just their source of unusual entertainment, and then when the knowledge wore thin and the way with animals became old and unimpressive, he started making up random predictions yadda yadda yadda just off the top of his head, he thought they were just harmless little pieces of shit, but he was DEAD WRONG.

"It'll rain soon!" he said.

A thunderstorm destroyed all their homes.

"The first bird of Spring will soon arrive!" he said.

A massive cloud of birds ate what was left of their homes.

Not to mention all the food.

And their clothes, can't forget their clothes.

...

And them.

They were pissed off of course, but couldn't do shit about it, being eaten and all, luckily for Emrys, who was one of the few survivors, otherwise he'd be so dead right now, the only reason he isn't is because some of the other survivors realized that he was probably just making it all up, his predictions having been so super vague and all that, it (for some reason) bothered Emrys that nobody believed he could tell the future, which he couldn't actually do as far as he himself knows, but he was happy enough to be alive that he didn't really think about it.

And so, he didn't have his 'friends' anymore, all of them either dead or having ditched him, but at least he has his Mom, and the old geezer, and WHAT THE FUCK!? he has a girlfriend now!?

[picture of Emrys' smiling girlfriend]

This is her.

Oh wait, nope, they just stare at each other freakily for a couple moments in the middle of nowhere, smiling and making lovey-dovey eye contact, then she just turns and walks away.

 _ **...well that was pointless!**_

And so then, one day, when he was bored or whatever, _Emrys went snooping around in the old geezer's cottage,_ ultimately betraying their friendship once and for all!

Fuck you, Emrys.

While snooping around the place, he finds a book, a big book, that contains information about all the seasons (pointless section, right over here!), and the other celestial bodies of the cosmos (awesome section, right over HERE!).

And what does he do with the knowledge he gains from it's pages?

Common Sense: 'Well, seeing as he's probably Merlin himself, use it to help the world!'

Nope! _***gunshot***_ anyone else?

...

That's what I thought.

No, our 'protagonist' uses the book's knowledge to _scam people into believing that he CAN tell the future_ , what the hell man!? the very first thing he does is run off and declare to everybody "today, the sun will disappear!"

Oh we all know where this is going.

And so then nobody believes him, blah, blah, blah, a Solar Eclipse happens, and EVERYBODY FREAKS OUT! they instantly accuse Emrys of witchcraft, because _**duh,**_ what did you _expect_ them to do, Emrys!? bow down and praise your wisdom? fuck that shit! this is the British Isles! we don't take kindly to witchcraft 'round these parts, (as witches are allies with the Brits' eternal enemies, the Norse), and so they also go on to accuse his mom of having fucked a demon to produce the unbearable monstrosity that is Emrys the annoying twat.

And so then the other people shut him out of their lives completely, even his mom is unhappy with him, of course, seeing how he dragged her down with him and got her all ridiculed in the public's eye, though he should honestly just be grateful that they're not burning him at the stake or anything.

And so years and years go by, he only interacts with his mom when he has to, the old geezer had found out about the betrayal of course so there goes that friend, and his 'girlfriend' is yet to be seen or mentioned again.

Wow, this is an awful long 'dream', Merlin, when do you reveal that it's all real and you're Emrys?

...either that, or he's just making it all up.

Fuck!

So then, years later, we find Emrys just sitting on a hillside, enjoying the very beautiful day, when he suddenly gets a vision of a flag featuring a dragon of a color that I shall not say just to be on the safe side, a couple moments after having this vision, the sound of horses galloping springs up, and he turns to see a company of horsemen come riding over the hills, Merlin's voice informs us that on that day, there came to the valley a ruthless and ambitious man named Vortigern (pronounced Vor-tE-gan), and you know what that means.

Research time!

...

Okay, so from what I've gathered, Vortigern is an Arthurian character, duh, who may or may not have actually existed, anyway, he was a King of Wales who let Germanic tribes set up colonies on the East side of Britain in exchange for a peace treaty with them, we all know how that went: the Germans turned the colonies into armies and launched their famous campaign to conquer the British Isles and each other, it rather sucked.

 _ **However,**_ Vortigern was not portrayed as malicious, he's portrayed as unlucky, and sometimes foolish, the latter of which I don't think is very accurate, maybe he was unlucky because the Anglo-Saxons were really good at sounding like they wanted peaceful coexistence, (and if they had then he'd have been doing the right damn thing), but foolish? nah. For better context of the situation, Vortigern was MUCH more worried about the Scottish Picts to the north, (his bitter enemies), a Welsh-Saxon alliance would have been a powerful force against them, and would prevent the doomsday scenario of Wales being at war with the Picts and the Saxons at the same time, knowing this it seems to me that Vortigern probably made the wisest choice and it just didn't work out, or, you know, maybe _**he never existed so there's no fucking way to tell and this is all pointless.**_

...sorry, I've been doing this little research part for a while now and would really just like to get back to the story.

...

Maybe it's the _name_ , maybe the makers of the movie just up and decided that 'Vortigern' sounded evil and 'they didn't want to confuse the kiddies'.

...

Hm? oh yeah, by the way, apparently an erroneous reading of Emrys is 'Merlin', so, I was right, Merlin is the brat.

 _Moving on!_

Hm? what's that? the internet connection stopped working and now I'm cursed to finish this thing some other time?

GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

\- Saturday, August 1, 2015.

 **And there you have it, folks! the very first part of my very first Erik-styled movie review. No MLP references yet, but I'll get around to them before long.**

 **Speaking of reviews, I would LOVE to read what you guys have to say! please don't hesitate to share your thoughts, I'll take praise, criticism, casual notes, deep insights, everything's welcome!**


	13. No Time In the Present

**What the-!? a Pony Blog Entry? why yes, folks, since I could no longer review the movie, I spent some of the remainder of the day making this brief update.**

Pony Blog Entry #8: hey everyone, I was thinking I'd just quickly mention that I've seen the last couple episodes of Ponies I hadn't seen yet, (turns out I was missing Baby Cakes and A Friend In Deed), and you know how it is with me most of the time with these things, they were pretty good, not something super-precious or anything but relatively enjoyable.

It's been a while since then and Season 5 also came out way back from now, but I've been putting almost all my focus into writing my stories and shit and time goes by fast and I get sick and I've been dealing with very annoying cases of Writer's Block and basically I'm all packed in for now, way too busy for Ponies anymore, though of course I get super-nostalgic whenever I see some of the first movie, but I'm far too busy for full-blown pony time.

Not to worry though! I'll do all sorts of shit with Ponies once we get close to Pony week again, seriously, I'm talkin' like watching the whole thing of Season 5 followed by the third Equestria Girls movie in just a couple short weeks, it'll be great and we'll talk then, see you in a few months!

Note: I have actually started reading the comics, maybe I'll make an entry about them sometime.

-Saturday, August 1, 2015.

Mock Pony Blog Entry #1: o-okay everybody, I, I'm just about ready to, you know, go insane and kill all my friends, followed by going back to my own dimension and pretending like none of this ever happened, it'll all be our little secret...

-Saturday, August 1, 2015. (Written by Pand)

 **While it is obviously done in the style of the Classic Era, it counts as Modern Era because it was written after the turning point (Merlin and the Dragons Review Part One), also, that little tease from Pand at the end is a hint that the Pony Blog itself is heading in a more fun, less-serious direction.**


	14. Merlin & the Dragons Part 2

**I already had a title pun, damn it: a Merlin & the Dragons Review! (Part Two.)**

Anyway, so Merlin informs us that this story's Vortigern has 'unjustly declared himself King of all England'.

Stupid People: *GASP* but that's Arthur's job!

 _Not for another hundred fucking years it ain't!_

So of course Vortigern's flags are the same as in Emrys' vision, meaning that way'd it go, Emrys, your demonic foresight told you of his arrival a mere ten seconds before he showed up.

I'm sure THOSE useless-ass psychic powers are going to be VERY helpful in life, just imagine that:

"Whoa!" Emrys freezes "I see... an arrow... huh, over now, must've been nothi-UGH!" he gets shot in the heart and dies.

Okay, that one's a little cheap, but seriously, at best this can serve as Spidey-Sense, letting him know when he's in immediate danger of something, and that stuff's only useful for so many cases, there's plenty where he'd be toast either way, like standing on a volcano, or in the path of a tidal wave, or ever just you know, something that he can't locate to get out of the way of in time, sure if it is an arrow or something he could duck but come on, just ducking every time won't save him.

Moving onwards, Merlin goes on to inform us that Vortigern had been fleeing his enemies for weeks.

Wow, really sounds like he's the one in charge here, we gotta get rid of this guy to regain control of Britain, I mean like, it's not as if he's been on the run for weeks while some other smoe is totally controlling Britain as we speak.

My point is that he's not nearly as dangerous or at least most definitely not as powerful as the movie's making him out to be, which reminds me, I should probably mention that the movie started playing dark, villainous music the moment Vortigern's name was first said, just so you know they actually went ahead and did that.

Anyways, Vortigern's army was worn and weak from months of fighting, they now comprise of a few dozen men and three wizards.

...hold on, wizards?

The guy has wizards?

Does this mean his enemies have wizards?

How many wizards are there?

Don't even TRY to tell me that Emrys is a wizard, his predictions were bullshit and he knows it. You, the movie, have specifically showed us that they were.

...*sigh* you're gonna make Emrys be a wizard too, aren't you?

Stupid fucking movie and it's falling for it's own lies.

 **Present-Time Note: LOL! oh my god, they drop me one bit of information and I immediately respond with question after question demanding more! "He has three wizards." - "TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SUBJECT." Man, it's been forever since I've done something like that, I forgot how hilarious that shit is!**

So then Merlin tells us that the lives of the people of Emrys' peaceful hills were about to change, _**forever.**_

...first off, tsk, as if that didn't already happen with the birds.

Second, Vortigern _has_ enemies, enemies who are supposed to be chasing him right now, so if you're trying to imply that Vortigern conquers the hill people and rules them with an iron fist, well, it's only gonna be so long before Vortigern's enemies arrive and kill the fuck out of him.

But meh, there's still a few different (and possibly hilarious) ways this could go, and it seems like it's finally starting to get to something really dark and yeah I just basically have a good feeling that this part is gonna be really fun, so let's go!

So Vortigern then declares that up on top of Emrys' special thinking-hill, (where the boy's been spending all of his time ever since the whole eclipse thing), is where he wants his own personal tower built.

...

Well it looks like I'm not the only guy out there who's all 'fuck you, Emrys.'

But seriously! dude, your enemies are hot on your trail as you speak, you don't have TIME to build a fucking tower!

...ah shit, the movie's just gonna completely ignore that plot point, isn't it?

Fuck! be consistent already!

Ugh, _**moving on from there,**_ Vortigern also orders his men to round-up the people of the hills and make them build his tower, wow, nobody saw that one coming. He then turns to his three wizards and tells them... to do whatever the fuck they need to in order to please the gods.

...fuck! these guys aren't real wizards, are they!? no, they're _priests_ , which means they're just a group of fakers who've tricked Vortigern into believing that they're fake-ass gods exist, and now they're living the sweet life just making shit up and doing whatever the hell they want.

They get hungry? "we have to keep our strength up so we can please the Gods!" or even "the Gods demand that we devour only the best food!"

They get horny? "the Gods want us to rape this woman!" or less likely "the Gods want us to rape this man! I don't wanna! but they say so!" or, much more likely "the Gods want us to rape this child!"

They get tired? uh, again, just, the keeping their strength up thing, or maybe something about needing to sleep so the gods can visit them in their dreams.

They get bored? "The Gods DEMAND that these two peasants knife fight to the death!" or literally anything else they feel like.

...I wonder if they convinced Vortigern by telling him that the sun would disappear.

...

Yeah, that's right: Emrys is no better than they are.

HA! of course I'm joking, but damn, there's actually tons of things the two of them have in common, both they and him pulled these lying stunts just to get people to believe in something that was complete bullshit, they're one and the same in that sense, these guys' intent was just a lot more harmful than his.

...sp-speaking of them and Emrys, I, well I just need to mention this: these fuckers look like they actually WERE spawned by a demon.

[terrifying picture of these creepy-ass motherfuckers, they have sickly skin, bags under their psycho eyes, and long spindly fingers, one of them is dressed in orange, the second in purple, and the third in green]

HOLY FUCK!

Just DAMN, and I though his girlfriend was creepy! these dudes are straight-up nightmarish! if you think they look scary as a picture, try seeing them _move_ , they're fuckin' scary, man! jeeze, maybe THEY'RE what got to me as a kid! I don't remember them now, and that could easily be because I repressed the memory! _fuck!_

So, being done with new character assessments, let's get the fuck back to the plot!

So then Vortigern and his men force the hill people, who don't even try to resist him at all, to cut huge stone slabs of rock and shape them into bricks, which they then hull away to the tower on their little Welsh ponies.

*Shocked silence.*

No.

No!

NOT THE PONIES!

 _ **NOBODY, fucks with me, and my ponies!**_

[picture of sad Rarity working as a slave for the Diamond Dogs, she has the harness to pull the cart and all that]

They're basically doing this.

 _My Little Welsh Pony,_

 _My Little Welsh Pony...!_

 _Oh why-why-why-why-why...!?_

 _Oh My Little Welsh Pony,_

 _Making you work all night and day,_

 _Oh My Little Welsh Pony,_

 _Some day soon you'll make 'em pay!_

 _Tons of boulders,_

 _What awful luck,_

 _Breaking your back,_

 _It really sucks!_

 _Moving these rocks,_

 _Is no easy feat!_

 _And no resting makes it all complete!_

 _Oh My Little Welsh Pony,_

 _I don't know how to finish this, sooong!_

...

OH WHY THE PONIES!?

*Ten Minutes Later*

O-okay, I think I've gotten ahold of myself, I think I'm good.

Well, at least now they've thoroughly turned me against the villains, so... good for them I guess.

Me and the Ponies are still totally gonna get revenge on the creators though.

[picture of the mane six glaring]

Even Fluttershy won't hold back.

Yes, I know I'm using quite a few pictures, but damn is it worth it for Ponies.

And so Vortigern (I'm still insulted that they villainized him) drives the hill people mercilessly (we know 'cause we get to see exactly TWO seconds of some frail dudes working, _with tools_ ), and after a while his tower starts to be built, we're told that it's grim and powerful, dominating the hills, but honestly I think it looks just fine, certainly not grim, and even though it does look sturdy, I sure as hell wouldn't say it looked powerful, anyway, I guess the thing's all finished now, and so they have some moment where they toss Vortigern's banner over the top, no comment on that, and then it just fades away into night.

After a moment the camera pans back enough so we can see Emrys, who's still alive and I must say he looks NO worse than he did back before Vortigern showed up, meaning that he must've been slacking off and eating fine while all the other hill people were being oppressed, so screw you, Emrys, though of course they wouldn't BE oppressed at all if his Mom would just get her father to send his army and free them, and don't give me some bullshit excuse like 'she can't', I doubt very much that she and her father, who she seemed to be on good terms with, would just not communicate with each other for extensive periods of time, yes just about every which way you go with this there is a possible excuse, but damn is it ever unlikely, we all know the real reason why she doesn't is because that would be too easy, and they want Emrys to save the day instead, like I said, her being a princess isn't going to effect the plot at all, it's just there to make precious little Emrys even more special by giving him royal blood, for shame.

Also he's just kicked back sleeping on the ground, not even on the grass or anything, he's sleepin' on _rock_ , and what's more, he's the only one, yep, no one else in sight anywhere, why the hell is that? well of course they never give us a single fucking reason so I'll tell you why! it's because some serious shit's about to go down here and he's the only one who's gonna get to see it.

You know, him being so special really wouldn't bother me if only they gave us some actual fucking reasons for it, like he's out here alone as punishment for slacking off or something, hm, but then again, I suppose no reasons _might_ be better than unbearably stupid reasons that drag the film out even more, meh.

And so then Merlin's voice starts up yet again:

"But that very night..."

SEE!? I TOLD YOU SHIT WAS ABOUT TO GO DOWN FOR JUST HIM!

"...the tower began to shudder and shake."

A rumble starts and Emrys wakes the hell up, he easily gets to his feet, having clearly not suffered at all during this time, and looks at the tower _which is not shaking._

A moment later, however, shaking does start, only problem is _everything's shaking_ , not just the tower, but the hills surrounding it, and the ground under Emrys' feet. Everything keeps shaking for a moment longer before a crack appears in the tower, finally exposing the weak link, the crack then spreads out over the rest of the tower, and then the shaking makes it suddenly split in half, meaning that obviously the whole thing was the weak link and that it's good this is happening now instead of later, and so then fire suddenly erupts from the center of it and the rest of the scene just matches Emrys' vison from when we first met him step-by-step.

So... is it a volcano?

Or do we not get an explanation for that either?

Well, let's find out I guess. *shrugs*

...

...okay, I just watched the next scene, and guess what?

 _ **Emrys is freaked the fuck out.**_

The boy is terrified! what the hell!? I mean, he didn't bat an eye at it earlier! why is he scared now!?

...

Ah, so _that's_ why, you see, he's not terrified of the burning castle and the disasterous earthquake, no, that would be understandable, instead, he's all terrified because now he believes that he CAN tell the future!

AND IT FUCKING SCARES HIM!

 _Wuss! this is what you (indirectly) wanted!_

MOVING ON! (I'm mostly moving on because I'm furious, but don't want to spend time and effort finding the right words to more accurately describe what it is about this that I'm pissed at.)

So Vortigern is of course woken up by this too, I would... think, I would also think he'd have been inside his newly finished tower... and be dead now... but apparently he decided to sleep in a fancy tent on one of the hills. Anyway, he runs out and finds his tower all utterly destroyed, cue moment of watching him gape at it in confused disbelief, and then the idiot's instantly convinced in his head that the hill people did this on purpose just to piss him off.

...dude, first of all, why would they reble against you _now?_ that's just stupid, and second, if _**I**_ was them, and _**I**_ had the equipment to cause an explosion of that magnitude, would I use it to blow up the tower I had just finished building? no, no I most certainly would not, what I _would_ do, as a matter of fact, would be to blow up your fucking tent, killing you and scaring your men off, or blow up your men's camp, killing them and leaving you alone and at my very unlikely mercy, and then in either case I'd move on into my sweet-ass new tower, throw down your banner, make a glass of lemonade, and chill out at the top of it, I'd, win.

So then of course he punishes them harshly and-wait, what's that? no? he just orders them to rebuild the tower? he doesn't, like, punish them at all? even though he stubbornly thinks they somehow did it on purpose?

...every character in this movie is stupid.

Except Merlin of course.

And so then the hill people go back to work rebuilding the tower, Vortigern's men pushing them even harder than before, and then... they have the tower almost completely rebuilt by the very next night.

DAMN, that is fucking impressive! I mean like, WOW! that's just, well that's just _utter bullshit just like the rest of this movie._

*Sigh.*

And so now that the tower's rebuilt Vortigern is finally happy and-oh wait nope, another earthquake comes that night and destroy's the tower once again, this time also with roaring flames.

FUCK, I am _**sick, and tired**_ of those damn flames! they're always there, but nobody ever adresses them in the least, we have no explanation for where they come from, and they never leave burn marks or impede the progress of the workers or have any impact on anything or anybody! _what, the, hell, is, up, with, those, things!?_

Next!

So of course Vortigern is furious blah blah blah and he makes the hill people work until some of them drop dead rebuilding the thing once more, but you guys know the drill, the earthquake strikes again the next night and it's all reduced to shit.

This is the point where most men would've given up and moved on, but not Vortigern! no, he's one of those men who come to view things like this as a _**challenge.**_

...and then when the challenge inevitably gets too tough for him, he declares that dark magic must be behind this! and then he turns to his OH GOD NO!

[picture of his wizards, it's a different picture than last time]

He turns to these demonic fuckers.

He, ugh, goes to them, and demands they take care of the dark magic, they agree and set to work NEXT!

We then find Emrys sitting next to the old geezer (who I swear did not tell him he could sit there), and thank goodness, it looks like we're gonna watch them do something now instead of-DAMN IT! here come Vortigern's 'wizards', who Emrys and the old geezer watch from above, the pathetic fakers are wearing different robes than they usually do, must be for the 'ceremony' (fake-ass stunt made to convince people of their power) that they're about to perform, okay, let's just get this thing over with-wait... WHAT THE FUCK!?

Their all-powerful 'ceremony'... _**is playing a game of marbles?**_

 _What the hell!?_

I'm not kidding! I'm serious! they start playing marbles! they put it as "drawing the magic circle of power, and tossing the sacred stones of fate", when it's really just fucking MARBLES.

I... I can't take them fuckin' seriously anymore, this, this just takes away their scary impact on me...

*Looks at Pictures Again*

Almost.

So... after... _that_... they then continue their 'ceremony' by... throwing down sticks and looking at them.

"Consult the Sacred Sticks of Prophecy." is how they put it.

Ooh, better watch out, idiots, that's the second time now that you've used the word 'sacred' on one of your random objects.

So after a while of... that, they eventually announce the 'ceremony' over, and they go to visit Vortigern, they reach him and make up random bullshit to be their 'findings'.

This is what they say, word for word:

Orange One: "You must, errrh *glances at Purple One*, find, a, a fatherless child."

Purple One: "Aw yes, a fatherless child."

Green One: "Er, yeah, a boy, uh, spawned by a, demon..."

Purple One: "And sprinkle his blood onto the stone."

Orange One: "Only then will the gods of this land let your tower stand."

And that's it.

...

Okay, first off, stupid rhyming jackass at the end there.

Second, that's awfully frickin' specific towards Emrys.

Third, YOU CAN TELL THEY'RE FUCKIN' LYING!

And fourth, _**even if**_ that's not enough evidence for you, they instantly turn to each other once they're done and do this:

[picture of them grinning and laughing together, yes, they legitimately do this after successfully making up their bullshit story]

Orange: "Whahoo boiy's! we'h did'it!"

Purple: "Yeeah! dat old fool ain't got nothin' on us!"

Green: "He can go fuck himself!"

Idiots.

Oh, and Purple One and Green One totally switched sides between camera angles, real impressive.

So then since this movie is stupid, Vortigern instantly believes them, however, because this movie is stupid and made him mean, he doesn't show a sliver of gratitude towards them! YES! he instead gruffly orders them to get their lazy asses out there and find him such a boy!

And you'll never believe how they react.

"B-but sire...!" they whine "...we don't know if such a boy exists!"

...

 **FUCKING, MORONS!**

*Half an Hour Later, after much screaming and ranting about HOW FUCKING STUPID THOSE THREE ARE*

Okay... so now I'm getting beautiful insight into what Erik's life is like... it's just like I honestly expected... only I'm sure it's much worse for him... moving on...!

So then Vortigern shoves aside his 'wizards' for being useless, and later on he decrees to his army that he is putting a massive bounty on the head of all fatherless boys spawned by demons, ooh, looks like trouble for Emrys! (who, seriously, I've been starting to miss), and with excited cheers the greedy soldiers scatter out and begin their hunt, likely just seizing every little boy they saw in the hopes that he's the one.

But back with Vortigern, a small boy who we've never seen before walks up and tugs on Vortigern's sleeve.

Not the brightest lad, sure, but brave, and he's clearly been actually suffering for real under Vortigern's rule, so I like him better than Emrys already!

It's a real shame I have a really, really bad feeling about this boy's fate.

"Please, Sir!" he begs "we of the village know of such a boy...!" he then continues to spill EVERYTHING about Emrys.

...oh.

Well, I had honestly thought that he was probably going to defend Emrys, like claim that they've never heard of any such boy around these parts and ask him to please cut them a break.

But I guess he's just a scumbag, huh, *shrugs*, all well, still like him better than Emrys.

Speaking of Emrys, we cut back over to him, _finally_ , he's sitting beside the old geezer again, but his eyes are just staring off, and he doesn't look very happy, kinda bothered really, with a bit of mystified awe.

...now would be a good time to put up a picture, but screw that!

Anyway, Merlin's voice then pops up and informs us that Emrys is having yet another vision, oh great, what is it this time? ...well, apparently it's that inside his favorite hill, below the ruins of the castle, there lies a fucking pond, and just sittin' there chillin' out in said pond are two very conspicuously smooth stones, that are... pulsing.

Oh god, they're dragon eggs aren't they-OH LET'S JUST WAIT AND SEE! I don't even wanna think about it right now, I'm getting too excited at the thought, j-just move on for now...!

So then of course Vortigern calls out an order for Emrys' immediate arrest, demanding that the boy be brought before him, and so after a while a pair of guards approach Emrys and the old geezer, demanding that Emrys come with them, the old geezer turns to Emrys, and he smiles, he then pats him on the shoulder, and says "trust your dreams." though his extremely happy face says "you're fuckin' screwed now, boy!"

And so the guards seize Emrys and march away with him, they swiftly return to Vortigern and present him with their prisoner.

Vortigern is all 'this is Emrys? the demon-spawned boy?'

And Emrys is all 'I'm Emrys, but my Pap's no demon, Sir.'

Then why are you so healthy-looking, _**hmm!?**_

Vortigern is all 'ah fuck it, I'll kill you anyway, _slay-him...!_ ' he orders lazily.

Oh and by the way, they're doing this just beside the hill of the tower, just right there out in the open, and there's a big fucking crowd of people around them, including the old geezer, (who apparently followed), and the three moron "wizards", who are chuckling all pleased with themselves, and Emrys' mother, it's right here at this point that she gasps in horror and dramatic music starts up, she clutches her heart and tries desperately to reach out to her son, but a guard with a spear holds her back.

Coward, if he was a real man he'd give her the spear and beg for mercy, or, you know, at least not push a weakened, defenseless mother around like that.

Anyway, we finish focusing on her and move on to OH DEAR LORD, WHAT THE FUCK!?

[picture of the orange wizard stretching his shoulder, the green wizard stroking his staff, and the purple wizard caressing a knife, they are all hideous and terrifying, especially their eyes]

THE MOTHERFUCKING PSYCHOS!

Okay! okay! I take it back! you're still scary as fuck, alright!? YOU'RE SCARY AS FUCK!

(It's even worse when you see them **_move._** )

So of course Emrys' mother nearly faints from seeing that, meanwhile the old geezer makes eye-contact with Emrys, only to close his eyes and nod all solemnly.

Well that's really helpful, thanks.

Anyway, Emrys suddenly turns to Vortigern and says "better you should have my dream!"

...of course, everyone else is just like 'what the fuck!? what's he talkin' about!? what does that even _mean!?_ '

In response, Emrys is all like 'well why don't you just ask your wizards what's hidden away underneath your tower?'

Everybody instantly looks at the three dumbasses, who suddenly look very uncomfortable and confounded, hmm, _wonder why that is._

At this, Vortigern thinks carefully for a moment, before saying three little words with massive importance:

"Untie the boy."

The guards do so and Vortigern walks closer to the rubble, taking Emrys with him, asking him what he sees in these 'dreams', while behind them the three idiots still look confused.

"Dig under the rubble, and you will find a large pool of water." Emrys insists to the king.

Vortigern, who is actually being super-reasonable right now as you may have noticed, thoughtfully agrees that undergroud water could very easily be the cause of the tower's collapse, _even though everyone seems to be forgetting that the tower collapses thanks to earthquakes that shake the entire hills._

Anyway, Vortigern decides that very well, they'll dig deep under the tower, but if there's nothing there and you're lying to him, boy, then your blood _**will**_ be spilt, and if there is water and you're telling the truth, you may be free to go.

Again, just 'cause I need to stress this, _**he's being really fucking reasonable right now.**_

Okay, so then-OH GOD THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

*Hides*

O-okay, so, basically they had the three nightmares go all psycho with the knife again, just to stress to us what's waiting for Emrys if he's wrong, thanks for that, movie.

And so then we're shown a couple clips of people digging and Merlin tells us that Vortigern's men dug deep into the hill until they did in fact eventually find a big-ass pool of water, and inside that pool were two huge stones "breathing in and out" as he puts it, which would be the pulsing I mentioned earlier, and with each pulse the mud around them would ripple and shift.

When Vortigern and Emrys are brought over to check this shit out, Vortigern asks what's up with the stones, Emrys responds by saying that inside the rocks are dragons fast asleep.

 **...HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THAT!?**

You know what!? I bet he doesn't! he's just making bullshit up again! because _that_ , everybody, is what he does best!

I mean like, sure, that's what I assumed, but I've been given a strong promise of dragons, he hasn't got shit to make him think that, stupid fucking Emrys just randomly knowing things he shouldn't all the time.

So anyway, Emrys goes on to say that the dragon eggs keep shaking the earth because they're getting ready to hatch, duh, and-oh wait, no! no he doesn't! instead, he says that these dragons' _dreams_ shake the earth each night when they _go to sleep,_ and doesn't say shit about their hatching cycle.

Fucking, idiot.

I mean like, _COME_ _ **ON**_ , even if that WAS somehow the case, then why haven't the hills been shaking for years!? why only the past three nights!? you're not going to try to tell me that they go Emrys' entire life without their dreams shaking the earth, only to have it randomly happen _three nights in a row_ , I guess maybe since they're magical dragons you could say that it's a reaction to stars aligning or some shit, but my hatching theory still makes a thousand times more sense, no matter which way you slice it.

Anyway, Vortigern seems to go into deep thought, and the camera moves to a ways behind them, where we find the three demon-spawns whispering amonst themselves, we then go back over to Vortigern and Emrys and find a pair of Vortigern's men climbing down into the pit, he doesn't seem to have ordered them to, but they do anyway, they then decide that it's somehow a good idea to _draw hammers and pound away on the eggs_ , this goes EXACTLY as well as you'd expect, and the eggs suddenly crack all over with a bright old flash of Solar Flare, and then DRAGONS! FINALLY!

*I cheer excessively*!

Yes! yes! come on, Dragons! this is what I've been waiting for! YAY!

Out of one egg bursts a dragon "white as milk"! and out of the other comes a dragon who's "red as wine"!

So according to this movie, dragons basically exist to represent various drinks.

Lame.

Anyway, the dragons rapidly grow into huge, beautiful things! (which the movie doesn't acknowledge, it just acts like they were this size the whole time even though the eggs weren't anywhere even remotely close to being big enough to contain them, hell, just their individual heads alone would take up most of an egg), and come climbing up out of the ground! opening their wings and rising far above everybody watching! especially Vortigern and Emrys, who were standing right outside the cave.

And then, raising their heads, they both let out _pissed-off battle cries!_ Emrys, at a loss for words, just gapes at them stupidly!

And then, still roaring, they start rising up into the air! flapping their wings and stretching their necks! Vortigern also just stares at them helplessly!

And then, _the Dragons fight!_

And this, dear readers, is the part of the movie that always really confused me, I mean, why did they have to fight? especially if the two of them are siblings, like logic dictates they should be, I always wondered that, why couldn't they just, you know, team up and kill all the people? I'm serious, I wondered that as a kid, for real, little me just sat there, confounded, just wondering "why didn't the dragons just work together and kill all the people? wouldn't that have been just so much _nicer?_ "

Yeah, that's me alright.

But, you know, eh, I may as well make the best of it, and on that note: _ **it's time for a DRAGON BATTLE!**_

(My, isn't this exciting?)

Here, I'll include a picture so you can see what they look like, though you can just ingore it and imagine them however you'd like them to look if you want. (Oh, and if you think the red one looks smaller, it's 'cause he totally is, we see it very clearly in other shots after this.)

[picture of the two dragons flying high over the castle, they have long and thin serpentine bodies, their wings and their front legs are one and the same and shaped exactly like bat wings, ]

Pictured: Epic.

And that breaks the streak of pictures about the three psychotic morons!

Umph! yeah! let's go!

So first, they circle each other while rising even higher into the sky! yes, yes! next, they break apart! yeah, and then? ooh! red one darts at the white! who backs the fuck off, then they roar at each other some more, yeah, and then the white one STARTS BLASTING FIRE! the fire shoots at the red one, who leans back a bit, opens his mouth, _and returns fire!_ the fire from both dragons connects, AND EXPLODES! hitting everything, themselves, the hills, the hill people, with a massive shockwave! and it _**rains sparks**_ for fuck's sake! this is by far the awesomest part of the movie so far in terms of sheer epicness! they recover and circle each other again, the red one aggresively nipping at the white one, and when the white one tries to fly away, the red one shoots fire at it again! the white one turns and returns fire! BOOM the fire connects and explodes once more! casting another shockwave and shower of sparks! they then charge at each other! *GASP* they ram chest-first into each other! both crying out in pain! they drift apart a bit, but the red one recovers faster and fucking bites the white one in the neck! *GASP* wait a moment, what's this!? _the red one's teeth break off on impact!?_ along with a bunch of the white one's scales!? and they fall down to the ground below!? whoa! that is just _insane_ -oh... one of the red one's teeth fall right into _Emrys'_ hands... great, just great, all well, ON WITH THE FIGHT!

Oh, wait, what's that? we're done with the fight for the moment?

 _ **...FUCK!**_

So instead of the dragon fight, we focus on how completely dumbfounded all the human characters are, _**boring,**_ let's just skip back to the fight-oh, wait a second, Vortigern just snapped out of it! he grabs a bow from the nearest guard and... draws an arrow.

No.

NO!

Don't you DARE tell me he's going to interfere!

...*crying* oh of course he is! I remember from childhood!

*Stifiling sigh.*

And so he shoots the arrow through the red dragon's right wing, distracting it and allowing the white dragon to sneak in and _**bite**_ it's throat, I put emphasis on 'bite' because Merlin's voice pops up and tells us that the white dragon "slashed" the red's throat, which is bullshit, it clearly bit, not slashed, and no it was not a slashing bite, just a bite.

[picture of the bite]

Pictured: Proof.

*Sniff* and so then, the red dragon fell, crashing on the ground, unconscious, the white dragon then follows it, blasting fire and burning it away to nothing, by this time Vortigern had fetched another arrow and began to aim at the white dragon's neck, however the dragon (it's so sad that I don't have to specify which one) has other ideas and decides to fly off _right then_ , disappearing into the distance in no time.

...Vortigern then rounds on Emrys, and demands that since this was all HIS dream and all that, then what was the meaning of this event, boy!?

Emrys then snarkily responds that the red dragon represents Vortigern, (well I would think so, the color of the dragon featured on his flags is of course red, by the way), and that soon he too shall be very, very dead.

...you've got spunk, boy.

Vortigern grabs Emrys by his shirt, and...! just let's him go, totally unharmed, free.

Well that certainly was overly nice of him.

So... RESEARCH TIME!

...

Aha! apparently, as I suspected, this event is bullshit too! in the original (real) story, the red dragon kills the white! (also, it turns out they're not siblings, they're sworn ememies who were both captured and buried in the hill, this of course happens in _another Arthurian legend_ , since there's so darn many of them and they all connect, like comic-books... it's also really frickin' nice to know, that makes me feel shitloads better about it), Vortigern (the not cruel original and therefore real one) then asks Emrys what this means, and Emrys explains that the red dragon represents Vortigern's people, and the white one the invading Saxons, meaning that Vortigern's people, who will eventually become the Welsh, will succeed in driving out the Saxons, and free all of Britain from their tyrrany.

So, let's look at this, we've got a villainized Vortigern, and the dragon battle's been twisted around horribly.

You guys thinking what I'm thinking?

Voice: "that we need more Ponies?"

What!? no! I mean, _god yes_ , but that's not what I'm talking about!

Voice: "Oh... well then what?"

 _ **This bullshit film is nothing but SAXON PROPAGANDA!**_

END FOR NOW!

\- Sunday, August 2, 2015.


	15. Merlin & the Dragons Part 3

**Time to finally stop Dragon this thing out: a Merlin and the Dragons Review! (Part Three)**

So, now that the *sniff* part of the movie with dragons, (the best part), is all done, and I've exposed this film for what it really is, it's time to move on and finish it once and for all!

So then Vortigern orders Emrys to tell him if he has any more dreams, he then turns around and begins giving out orders, getting the people back to work on his tower, which he reasonably believes will stay up now that the dragons are gone, and oh my god the whole time he's doing this Emrys is just staring after him with the most unpleasant, unhappy little bitch-face! just MY GOD, **_what,_ **_is, your,_ **_problem? why_ **_are you_ ** _so_ **_upset...!?_

...still no picture.

 **Present-Day-Note: for anybody who doesn't get the joke, I have yet to show Emrys himself in any pictures.**

So then a few idle days go by and Merlin informs us that Emrys is beginning to "build confidence" oh wow, I never would've guessed that from him just being a snarky little bitch at every turn all of a sudden, that's some pretty darn weak character development you've got there.

And so then eventually we find him just kicked back resting on a hillside, huh, I guess he's found a new favorite, also, I just have to remind everyone that he doesn't look like he's suffered at all through this, and he probably doesn't plan to start any time soon, pathetic slacker, so then he starts actually thinking to himself for once, oh, great, the hell is he thinking? maybe it's new ways to screw over his people and make them do his share of the work, hm, nope, that's not it, those thoughts would be way too interesting for this movie, instead his thoughts are all 'man, living under Vortigern's rule sure does suck, it really sucks, I'm talkin' like, massive levels of suck, huh, I sure wish I had some way to get some help out here.'

Oh, well, your mom has a father who has an army, maybe that would work if you bothered to try it.

It's at this moment that a hawk comes circling above him, and then... this is where things get weird.

Emrys, his face completely expressionless, gets up to his feet and sticks his arm out at the hawk, now of course the hawk doesn't do anything-oh nope he totally comes swoopin' down and lands on Emrys' arm, man, I'm sure those talons don't hurt or anything, Emrys certainly doesn't seem to mind them in the slightest, anyway, he then _starts a staring contest with the hawk,_ seriously, his eyes and the hawk's eyes just lock gazes, and we just stare at them as neither side gives in and they both refuse to blink or look away, after a moment of this Merlin's voice pops up again and tells us that Emrys is (SOMEHOW) totally communicating with the hawk telepathically, he describes it as the two 'reading each other's thoughts', the camera then... slowly spins around creepily, turning Emrys' face sideways and upside-down, the hawk then takes off into the air, wisely ditching Emrys' stupid weird ass, we then see through the eyes of the hawk and enter a gentle music montage, watching as the hawk flies over hills and then rivers and mountains and misty valleys and it is all quite beautiful but this entire past couple scenes really just sorta came out of nowhere a bit and I find that takes away from the experience, all well.

So then, eventually, the montage ends and the hawk flies over the last ridge to find a big fucking army just marching along like they're invincible and could do this forever, Merlin's voice tells us that these guys, or 'heroic noblemen, to whom the throne of Britain truly belongs' as the movie puts it, are Vortigern's enemies, who are (FINALLY) coming to rid the land of his ass, or 'murderous tyranny' as the movie puts it.

Ah, so these guys are the invading Saxons.

So long story short the Saxons just up and assume that the hawk is a good omen, but rather than just take it as an omen and continue, like, you know, people who make sense, they apparently decide that it is SUCH a good omen that they're willing to completely stray from the path they were following and ditch that in order to not lose sight of said omen and it's luckiness, yes, that's right, _they decide to just follow the hawk around wherever it goes,_ and of course, it leads them right back to the hills where Emrys lives, and where Vortigern is hiding.

PEOPLE, DON'T, WORK THAT WAY.

You see this!? THIS is just the kind of conceited bullshit I can not stand in films! even if I fully accepted and believed that Emrys can and did talk to the hawk using his inner animal instinct, and even if I also fully bought that the hawk knew that the army was there previously, and even if I just let it slide that the hawk also somehow knew that they were searching for Vortigern, _**I still utterly refuse to believe that the people would just follow the bird around because they didn't want to lose it's "luck",**_ it would be understandable if the hawk flew down, landed, and physically tried to signal to them to follow it, but no, it didn't do that, it just flew around way overhead like it was hunting or something, my ultimate point here is simple: _**only an absolute moron would stray from the path he was already on to follow a perfectly normal acting bird because he thinks it's lucky.**_

Twats: "but it worked out for them, didn't it?"

ONLY BECAUSE THE PLOT FORCED IT TO, think about it! what if a different, casually hunting hawk had flown over them before this one could get there? would they have just up and followed it? 'no'? WHY THE FUCK NOT!? it's what they did with this one! there is literally _**no excuse**_ for this kind of behavior from these people, and if they had followed that theoretical other hawk, then they would have just spent the day (or _days_ ) wasting their time just following it everywhere when all it's doing is going about it's cool little hawk life, hell, after a while it'll probably take serious notice of how they're just following him everywhere, and then he'll specifically try to ditch them, and then when he does lose them, they'll just be stuck, lost, in the middle of nowhere, and it'll be all, their, fault, though they'll probably just curse the hawk and blame it for everything, seeing as they were stupid enough to follow it in the first place.

There! I think I've ranted that part out enough! _moving on!_

So then the hawk actually flies right back to Emrys himself, landing down on his arm again, and then they have _another staring contest_ , eventually the hawk has enough and flies away, not wasting his time on stupid Emrys anymore, since you know, he's a hawk and has hawk things to do, like hunt, so he can _eat_ , and _live_ , thank you very much for wasting his precious time, boy.

And so now Emrys knows about the approaching army of Romans and all that, and how soon, like, in a couple minutes soon, they'll (FINALLY) arrive and kill Vortigern, "freeing" his people, (I went ahead and put quotes there since, you know, the Saxons will probably just enslave them again immediately after, but at least they'll be free of Vortigern, I guess).

So, logically, Emrys just lays back on his new hill, smells the beautiful air, rests peacefully, and waits around while the Saxons take care of Vortigern for him like they're obviously going to-oh wait, nope, no he doesn't, as I'm sure you've noticed is a theme with this movie, they never do the logical thing, nope, so of course, what does Emrys decide to do instead?

Easy! he _**runs down from his hill towards Vortigern's tower to challenge him to a duel for control of the people at the last minute of his rule.**_

I'm not kidding.

 _I am so not fucking kidding._

Emrys... there is no word, be it 'dumbass', 'idiot', 'twat' or 'moron', that can fully describe you and how utterly _**stupid**_ you're being right now.

I hope your bloodstained corpse rots slowly away in your unmarked grave for eons to come.

So... the camera then slowly pans over to Vortigern's tower, where we find him standing just outside of it, holding his head up and proudly observing his long awaited tower, finished and not being shaken apart, in the beautiful afternoon sun, seemingly content at last.

" **VORTIGERN!** " Emrys' challenging cry suddenly calls out from behind him.

Vortigern's all 'hm?' and turns to see Emrys approaching him.

And then Emrys is all 'I have had another dream, I dreamed of a world where you were slain, and **I** ruled in your place! that dream comes true, _today!_ I challenge you...!' he declares all boldly.

Vortigern's face twitches with sparked fury, likely feeling rather betrayed at this turn of events considering how _he's spared Emrys' life twice now,_ and this is how the impudent little twerp thanks him, Vortigern then draws his broadsword and raises it threateningly!

 _Yes! yes! kill him! KILL, HIM!_

Emrys responds by... throwing his arm over his face protectively and dropping down on his knees.

Well that's what he gets for _forgetting to bring a weapon to a fucking duel that he fucking initiated._

(Part of me really wants to rage over how stupid he is, but I'm pretty drained from all the previous ranting, so right now I just wanna move on.)

Right then however, a cry comes from the lookout at the top of the tower, declaring that "soldiers! _thousands of them!_ " were approaching the castle, distracting Vortigern and allowing Emrys to escape, all of Vortigern's men turn and flee, and then the leading general of the Saxon army (who we can now see have white dragons all over their flags and shields) cries out " _Come and meet your fate, Vortigern! those who you have made to suffer, cry out for your blood!_ " all as if he thinks he's the most noble symbol of good there ever was.

Vortigern turns and flees up the steps of his tower, looking back to see Emrys now standing boldly again, with his mother standing on his right side, and the old geezer standing beside her, and on his left side he has HIS FUCKING GIRLFRIEND OUT OF NOWHERE!?

[picture of the group, with Emrys censored out]

Here's a picture of them for you, now you know what all four of them look like.

Except Emrys.

Because fuck Emrys.

And he's not actually that tall, I just sorta fucked-up on the censorship.

" _Surrender, Vortigern! you haven't a chance!_ " the general calls out again.

"Never!" Vortigern calls back rather calmly.

 _Dun-dun-dun...!_ we dramatically cut back to Emrys and his group.

"Never!" Vortigern yells much more forcefully, higher up the steps than he was before.

 _Dun-dun-dun...!_ we dramatically cut back to Emrys and his group, again.

" _ **NEVAAAARRR!**_ " Vortigern screams pretty darn epicly as he reaches the top of the stairs.

He then transforms into flames and the story ends.

...

...okay, I've dealt with a lot of bullshit already, so I'm just gonna keep this short and simple:

That's stupid and makes no sense, unless it's supposed to be the devil taking his soul or something, but that's bullshit too, so, therefore, I'll just say that he turned around, ran into the tower, locked himself in it, and no matter what they did the enemy couldn't get in, inside the tower Vortigern has enough food and water to just barely last him the rest of his life, and as such he laughs in their faces smugly, they however get to move around and all that shit, so in the end everybody wins, actually, no, Vortigern's the ONLY one who wins, as the hill people and the Saxons go to bitter, gritty war for the next dozen or so years.

End of story.

We then fade back into the present time, and find Arthur and Merlin as they were when we left them.

WAHOO! Arthur and Merlin!

And! ...Merlin's asleep.

He's snoozin'.

But then _who the **fuck was** TELLING THE STORY!?_

 **Anyway,** Arthur shakes Merlin and orders him to wake up, demanding to know how the story ends.

Merlin of course wakes up and tells Arthur to bug off 'cause he can end the story any time he fucking wants.

I love Merlin.

Arthur persists however, and Merlin answers that Vortigern's enemies burned him to death inside his own precious tower.

Oh.

Well, they did a crappy-ass job of displaying it.

 _I will however,_ accept it, without complaint, on the sole condition that the three nightmares all also die horrible deaths that completely eradicates everything scary about them, deal? _gooooood._

Merlin then goes on to add that the only two kings of England after that were Ambrosius Pendragon and his brother Uther Pendragon, I of course instantly recognize the latter as Arthur's father, his brother however is news to me, but some quick research says something about how he won a really important battle against the Saxons and was crowned King as a reward, huh, well okay then I guess.

Anyway, Arthur's all 'Uther Pendragon? he was the last king...' yeah, that's what he just said, basically '...perhaps one day a son of his will challenge me for my throne.'

...

Arthur, what's your last name?

Arthur: "Pendragon."

...and you don't have any thoughts on that?

Arthur: "Should I?"

*Deep frustrated breath*, okay, fine, let's all just stand back and see how it goes when he talks with Merlin.

So then Merlin's all '...no, Arthur, Uther had only a single son.'

Then Arthur's all 'ooh! who is it? may you tell me?'

Then Merlin's all 'IT'S YOU FOR FUCK SAKES!'

Then Arthur goes all '*GAAAAAAAAAASP*! U-Uther Pendragon... was my father?' and shakes his head in awe 'b-but then... I am not fatherless!'

...

Arthur... YOU'RE STILL FUCKING FATHERLESS! he's not _ALIVE_ after all, is he!?

Then Merlin's all 'yes, Arthur, you had a father, I had a father, everybody has a father.' while digging out a jar from behind his chair.

And Arthur's all '*happy gasp*! hey! th-this means I'm not just king because I pulled that stupid sword out of the stone!'

Then me and Merlin are both all 'ERRRRM! are you stupid, boy!? pulling that sword from the stone is a much better reason for you to be king than your fucking bloodline could ever hope to present! it is not 'stupid' in any way! it in fact magically signals to everyone that you are (apparently) more fit to be king than Vortigern, your uncle, or your father!' oh, and the whole time Merlin's taking his anger out on opening the jar lid, man I wish I could do that too.

Then Arthur's all like 'oh my god, Uther Pendragon's my father! Merlin, why did you not tell me this before!? then I never would've worried that I might not've been fit to be king!'

And then me and Merlin are all ' _no, no, NO!_ did you not just hear us!? you're completely missing the point of all this! you're not worthy to be king because of who your father was, but because the sword saw the kindness and wisdom that (supposedly) thrives in your heart! we didn't tell you this sooner because the very last thing we wanted to do was possibly taint that heart by giving you a false sense of entitlement! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND!?"

'I can't believe it! I'm king in _truth!_ oh happy day!' is basically how Arthur responds.

Me and Merlin go all 'AWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRGH! listen! you ARE king in truth, but not because of your fucking blood! incase you haven't noticed, the one, single individual who doubted you after the sword, WAS YOURSELF!' and Merlin alone is all 'just look at your dreams, boy! they keep making you relive that moment because it's what truly fucking matters! don't you see the irony!? your dreams, are _trying_ , to WAKE YOU UP!' all while still struggling with the jar, and pulling it open at the end there.

It's right here where Arthur seems to _**finally**_ at least get _part_ of it through his head, 'cause he at least shuts up about it, instead he thinks for a moment before asking 'well... what about Emrys?'

 _What_ ** _about_ **_Emrys?_

Merlin answers 'oh he just kept on dreamin', tried to make a career out of it, that natrually didn't work out so then it was 'bye-bye Emrys' and 'hello Merlin', never looked back since, though I still have _this._ ' he finishes as he pulls the red dragon's tooth out of the jar, making Arthur's eyes light up with even more shock and delight.

I fucking knew it.

"Y-you were the boy named Emrys!?" Arthur gapes.

'Oh come on, boy, stop screwin' with me, don't you dare pretend like you didn't figure it out, it was obvious as fuck.' Merlin practically responds to my gleeful disbelief 'now _GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!_ I've given you all the therapy you need to get rid of the dreams, now get out of here before I get mad.'

Merlin, you fucking rock.

Arthur wisely decides to obey, he scoops up his crown and joyfully puts it on his head (ugh) before smiling at Merlin one last time before he gets the fuck out-wait, actually, he just stands there stupidly smiling at Merlin, with absolutely no indication that he intends to leave, and then the camera starts to fade out, huh, guess it doesn't want the kiddies to see what happens when Merlin gets _pissed._

And then... it's uh, it's the next morning... and we're... only seeing Arthur walk out of Merlin's room now.

...I, I don't even know what the fuck to make of that, I mean, I don't know if Merlin tortured him all night long, or if Arthur did leave and _snuck back in_ , or whatever the hell happened, just, moving on!

So then Arthur goes back down to his room, he enters and the very first thing he does is _pick the sword up off the wall and pose around all high-and-mighty with it._

I did not want to see that, thanks.

We THEN find him asleep in his bed, in the middle of the day, neglecting his duties, and after a moment Merlin's voice starts up again, telling us that Arthur then went on to be a great king.

Top Three Jokes I Could Make About That!

#3: yeah, eventually, not right now though, right now he's sleepin', that's a problem, for one thing he's sleepin' so he can't be right now, for another thing, great kings don't sleep in the middle of the day, he needs to fix that.

#2: a great king! not the greatest, but, you know, meh, not shitty, well, kinda shitty, but he could be worse.

#1: fuck Emrys.

Merlin then tells us that he was content to just live on as a wizard, he helped Arthur with the uh, the what again-the knights! yes, uh, the knights, of the uh, the round, table, yeah.

...is he high right now or something? tired? he's probably tired.

He then of course says that those tales are stories for another time, because of course they need to hint at possible sequels, he then adds that he really needs to get the fuck to sleep, because wizards need to sleep too.

I... I honestly kind of doubt that when it comes to the three nightmares.

Remember them? _huuhh!_ *shivers*

And then the credits roll, and I must say, not very many people seem to have worked on this thing, most of them were just the animators, who are of course a small bunch of dudes with Asian sounding names, like "Yan Jian Xiu" for instance, proving to me pretty good that overseas workers were most likely hired for it, they also have Alan Lee, who's apparently a respected artist who did the cover art for one of J.R.R. Tolkiens' books at some point, and of course they finish it with their company's name yet again.

Oh, and absolutely all the voices were done by the same one guy.

I like that in movies.

So... this is the long-awaited part where I give my final thought bit, huh? well, okay then, here I go. *deep breath*

...I have mixed feelings about it.

On one hand, yeah, there's times where it does feel pretty whimsical, and the animation is old-styled, which is great, the storyline isn't really _bad_ per-say, and can be entertaining.

But it's **just, such, utter, bullshit!** there's scores of problems with the story, it's conceited and thinks it can get away with making people and animals act unrealistically. And Emrys had enough Marty Stu traits, all of which were also really conceited in the sense that they were never given a reason, to be genuinely annoying. Not to mention that usually whenever a character does act somewhat realistically it was usually just _stupidly_ instead! And as for the present time, Arthur was so fucking unlikable, which sucks because he's Arthur, Merlin totally kicked some serious ass though, which was fun. But back with the main story, like I was saying before, the plot is such bullshit that anybody who has low tolerance for that kind of stuff is gonna be pretty damn pissed, because believe me, _there's a lot of stupid things it expects you to just ignore and put up with,_ or more likely it doesn't expect you to notice them at all from the arrogant way it's done, and _**damn,**_ movie, I do not fucking like that. And what's more, I'd like to point out a couple things, like the fact that Emrys' little girlfriend showed up only twice, she never got a line, she and him never interacted outside of that one lovey-dovey glance they had the first time, and yet she's loyally there at his side the second time, basically what I'm getting at is that she was completely pointless and they very super-easily could've just left her out, I've said before that I don't usually mind stuff like that, I find it makes the story more realistic, since real life does have potential 'plot points' that go nowhere, and they're every bit a part of the story as the rest of it, because they fucking happened, and of course you know I'm one of the only people who respect that but darn, this time it just did feel really forced and completely unnecessary, though I think that could easily be mostly thanks to the fact that nobody in the story ever addresses her (besides the lovey-dovey look) and we're not told what happens to her or where the hell she came from or ANYTHING, _**it's almost like she isn't there.**_

Next up on the list of things wrong with this movie, we have _the sheer size of the list of things wrong with this movie_ , and by that I mean FUCK, guess what, guys? there were actually _too many things wrong for me to do them all_ , I can think of quite a few different times something stupid happened, and I just passed right over it without a mention, (I remember a lot of them were times when Merlin said something wrong, like the whole 'slashed' instead of 'bit' thing, speaking of which, why the fuck didn't the white dragon's teeth break off on impact? there's yet another inconsistency for you), sometimes I didn't say anything because I deemed it not interesting enough, sometimes I passed it up even when it was pretty interesting, but not nearly enough to warrant the big block of ranting I'd make over it, and sometimes it was something pretty similar to stuff that already happened so I didn't waste time on it, if I had complained about everything that bothered me this thing would be much bigger and therefore have taken me much fucking longer to make, and, well, it wouldn't be quite as interesting either, would it? but rest assured that I of course included absolutely everything that I found just too good to pass up, no matter how much time it took me to put in.

Also, it's twisted-around Saxon Propaganda.

And I don't like that.

I am _**insulted**_ by that.

And so, I guess my ultimate opinion is that it can be enjoyable, but the list of faults are just so great that you could pretty much only enjoy it as the overly dumb movie it is, if making sense doesn't matter to you then it should be just fine, but otherwise you'll be endlessly rolling your eyes at the inconsistencies and many other problems it has, and as for myself, well, childhood vengeance, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to rate it poorly.

Very poorly.

...

...the Dragons were awesome as _**FUCK**_ though, that's the number one most redeeming quality the film has, but, unfortunately, that's even a little tainted by the abrupt, almost fake-out ending it had.

In the end, I think I have to give it a rating of 4/10.

So there, my judgement's been made, and I commend this film for it's effort.

 _ **Now let's all get out of here so we can get to work forgetting about it as soon as possible.**_

[picture of smiling Sweetie Belle from MLP:FiM]

Here's a lovely picture of precious little Sweetie Belle to help with that.

Voice: "YAY! more ponies!"

Yes, my friend, more ponies indeed.

End.

\- Monday, August 3, 2015.

 **Present Time Note: and that, was my first movie review. I hope y'all enjoyed it! It's pretty simple and crude compared to my later work, but still relatively entertaining I find.**

 **After the years I've had to reflect, I still agree with basically everything I said about the movie. Except that, as dumb as it is, I'm just too much of a sucker for Arthurian fantasy. The film really isn't so bad that it deserves 4/10, it might be really dumb, but dear god, it entertains me waaay more than the average movie, which I usually rate as 3/10, (I don't like very many movies very much, you see), so I'd bump it up to 5/10, maybe 5.5/10, I still wouldn't rate it 6/10 though, fuck that.**


	16. Equest Girls 3: Friendship Games Review!

**Present Time Note: okay, everybody, here we go, _PONY WEEK 2015!_**

Update #9: okay everyone, PONY WEEK IS HERE! and...! guess what? I can't do what I wanted! turns out, the jaskasses at Hasbro decided to split Season 5 into two parts, meaning a bunch of the episodes haven't come out, meaning I can't just throw back the whole season like I was wanting! no, instead, I have to wait, which sucks.

Sure I _could_ do some of the episodes that have already come out, and to be honest I probably will, but there's gonna be a whole lot less feeling in it now, and for all I know it could end in a frickin' cliffhanger, yeah, like I really need a cliff hanging over me.

Anyway, moving on from the show, I watched the movie! I watched Equestria Girls 3! two years after I first saw Equestria Girls, and one year since I first watched Equestria Girls 2, and with any luck, in one year from now I'll be here again to review Equestria Girls 4! Anyway, about this current installment, it is, as expected, the weakest of the films so far, but it was still pretty good, I mean it didn't kick ass like the last two, and it was a little boring or painful to watch here and there briefly, and I am a little confused as to whether or not Nerdy-Twilight was an official antagonist, but otherwise it was mostly enjoyable, even if that's partly due to the role of Pony Me. The past two films are wonderful works of art just on their own, but this one... yeah, it would've been pretty mediocre without me having fun with it, so I was there, and I was hilarious.

As for my part, well basically, since Twilight wasn't coming, I had to think up a reason for me to be there, and the reason is obvious, because it's true: I'M FUCKING SICK OF PONIES, little me was going to the human world whether anyone's coming with me or not! I desperately (crazily) reactivated the portal and leapt over to the other world, where I rejoined the human characters and just started being excessively happy, after that the plot continued, I didn't have that big of an effect on it, people like Sunset kept missing obvious things and making stupid mistakes that I'd point out to them but they never listen, other than that I would keep being cheerful and really tried to get into the competitive spirit, relentlessly cheering on our team, except for the two times I cheered for Nerdy Twilight, simply because I knew she was gonna win anyway and none of her own team were gonna do it.

Moving on, of course I couldn't go the whole movie without competing in one of the events myself-

 **Present Time Note: of course. ^_^**

-so then, seeing how I sat out during the first round of them, and Sunset lost her event, and was the ONLY one to do so out of the main six, we decided I'd just take her place racing alongside Rainbow Dash in the motorcycle event, so that's what I did, and the giant Everfree plant sent me wiping out all over the place, Sunset ran up and tried to help me, but I didn't need her help, I needed Rainbow Dash's! "SAVE ME, RAINBOW DASH!", I screamed, and she saved me and Sunset, as always.

So then things kept going as normal, I guess maybe we should note that Sunset does freak out a bunch only to get more Mary-Sue treatment from the other characters, and then Nerdy Twilight's being all culted on, and I try to point it out to everybody, but they all just keep focusing on their precious Sunset, so then Nerdy Twilight goes Dark-Super, or, uh, Dark-Hyper I guess, seeing as how she has the power of all five of the present Main Six Superforms plus all the other energy she took from the portal back to Equestria, and starts tearing the place apart, making holes into OH GOD THE PONY WORLD, I start freaking out a bunch, screaming about how I ain't ever go'in back, and I get to work making sure nobody, especially me, falls through, except the enemy principle, who I go out of my way to screw over, but then Nerdy Twilight attempts to murder Sunset, and since we can't just keep constantly saving everyone anyway, that means it's time for a big final battle against her!

So then all five of Applejack, Rainbow, Rarity, Pinkie and Fluttershy go Super together! despite having lost the ability to do that earlier in the movie, and then...! freakin' Sunset uses Nerdy Twilight's vampire necklace to suck all the power out of them, doing almost exactly what Nerdy Twilight's already done, just without the portal's power and a different intent, in order to gain access into her own, slightly weaker, Hyperform, instead of just letting the other five deal with it, and of course the whole time I'm on the ground throwing a fit because I never get to go Super and I want to so badly, even though if I did I'd probably just do the same thing when it came time to give it up.

Anyway, Hyper Sunset Shimmer Vs. Dark-Hyper Nerdy Twilight Sparkle! isn't that just a lovely mouthful!? so the battle is pretty lame, as usual, it could've been better if there was more flying around and blasting, not too much of it though, 'cause then we go into the Tirek-battle thing where we just get bored and wait for it to be over, though admittedly that past fight lost it's entertainment ability the second it bothered to begin, while this one would actually have some substance to it and be at least mildly interesting even if it dragged on for almost as long, so anyway, they basically just go into a beam-lock right off the bat, Dark-Super Nerdy Twilight Sparkle starts to pull it off because she's obviously stronger, but then she gets distracted, Sunset immediately seizes her chance and pulses enough energy into her blast to overpower Twilight's neglected one, killing her, but the energy cost takes Sunset's life as well, so then Sunset and Twilight have a moment together in the afterlife to talk things out before both are revived, and no, I'm not kidding, they like, die, it's fucking awesome and you should totally go see it right now, moving on, so then they become friends and blah blah blah blah the movie ends with me being all happy that the portal is gone and that I'm stuck here forever, but then, while I'm just kicked-back relaxing with all my human friends, Twilight (not the Nerdy one) fixes the portal and crosses over, at first I'm all happy because I have TWO Twilights now! but then she forces me to go back with her, which fucking sucks.

 **Present Time Note: I love how even if you've seen the movie and therefore can identify what I'm talking about, practically everything I said is done in such the fleeting, metaphorical manner that it just sounds like incoherent rambling. XD lulz**

And that's a basic summary of my role in the movie, with other things.

As for more thoughts and opinions, making this much more review like, well, as I said, the movie's good, but it's missing a lot of what made the past two movies great. Other character appearances seem minimal, none of the songs are any fun other than the intro and the one where we're skipping over all the events, two were so boring that even when they were just starting up it made me want them to be over as quickly as possible, and the one's kinda creepy. Sunset seems noticeably less focused on than in the last movie, which isn't a bad thing, believe me, but the problem is that the other five main characters do too, especially Pinkie, who seemed like, not even there most of the time, other than during the party of course.

Anyway, the reason why we see so little of them is probably because a bunch of time is given to the Crystal Prep characters, who... I honestly didn't mind. I mean, Nerdy Twilight was focused on WAY too much while also being a complete pushover, which was annoying. I'll admit a tiny bit of her stuff was interesting, but there was just way, WAY too much of it that wasn't, so, I guess what I'm saying is that she wasn't terribly great nor greatly terrible, though leaning more towards the later, and Principle Whatever was _**incredibly**_ bland, with her entire thing just being all about upholding her school's reputation, to the point of threatening people. She even says that she doesn't care if they win, so long as the reputation is intact, this wouldn't be that much of a problem (not that it is anyway) if she was at least two-dimensional, we don't know anything about her other than what she looks like, how she acts, and what she wants. If we had the second dimension, her backstory, telling us _why_ upholding the reputation is so important to her, then I'd probably like her more, but nope, no real reason for it is ever given, all well, I guess at least she got what was comin' to her near the end when I went and shoved her down to the, _uhh!_ *shiver*, pony world.

I don't have much to say on Dean Cadence, it was really nice to see her and Luna be all friendly, and she was kind to Nerd Twilight, I just kinda wish she'd found out about Principle Whatever's threats, then she probably would've done something about it, gotten that bitch fired, become Principle herself, and we'd have been spared a bunch of Nerd Twilight's angst and everything really would've just been happier for everyone, except for whatever her name is of course, anyway, when I first mentioned not minding the Crystal Prep characters, I was talking more of about Nerd Twilight's classmates, not her or Cadence or the Principle, I just thought maybe I should get them out of the way first while I was at it, so it's them, the classmates, specifically, who I honestly didn't mind very much, I kinda wish they were introduced better, they seemed like they would be genuinely fun to watch, which is more than I could say about other past characters, but they were done mostly just as these one-dimensional bystanders who'd say something a little bit funny every now and then, I honestly would've been much happier probably is they'd focused on them more, a lot more, and like, actually told us their names as they're introduced, they could've been a very nice experience, and I really feel like we missed out on that, *sigh*, we're probably never gonna see them again though, except maybe as a cameo in the fourth movie or something, and to speak truthfully, that's actually really disappointing.

Also, the competition's called the Friendship Games, that's fucking stupid.

Other things that were fucking stupid include, but are not limited to: all the worthless notes on Nerd Twilight's billboard, the Canterlot High marching band, Nerd Twilight making her device an uncontrollable vampire, nobody ever realizing how the damn magic works, Pinkie's party making _everyone_ suddenly and inexplicably friendly to everyone else around them, Rarity's face when Sunset's about to go up against Nerd Twilight in the spelling bee, the movie's fucking problem with making Sunset's hair all wavey even when they're indoors, the Crusaders not even getting a fucking line, the sheer, dangerously high amount of leg Rarity shows off at times, the fact that Flash's and Bon Bon's bread loaf didn't instantly win them the bakery contest, Derpy's eyes lining up too closely at one point, the fact that two out of the three contest judges were hardcore Canterlot supporters, the fact that we never saw Green Cycle all together at the same time (at least I didn't), the fact that Nerd Twilight needs glasses while normal Twilight doesn't despite all logic and evidence, and, of course, Sunset.

Just, Sunset.

Pretty much everything she says or does.

Also, another thing that really bothered me during the movie is that it seemed like they were focusing on the characters from the front quite a bit, the animation on them from the front? _**it fucking sucks**_ , they rarely seem to have any chin at all and their eyes and mouths move very unnaturally, I remember one time especially where I was just so relieved when it suddenly cut to them from the part-side, you know, the usual view, and suddenly everything looked real again, especially the jaw line and chin, incase you're curious as to who it was, I can't really remember, but I think it was Nerd Twilight, who I am suddenly being very tempted to call 'Dork Twilight' out of nowhere.

So yeah, there, I guess there's my little short review-

 **Present Time Note: if any of you think this shit wasn't short, just wait until the Everfree one.**

-of Equestria Girls 3, I'm looking forward to doing other things for Pony Week, and hopefully I'll get to write about them for you, guess we'll see, until then, bye-bye, have a nice time, yadda yadda yadda I fucking suck at farewells, and I hope this entry helped you to, get'cho BRONY on.

(Yes, I have to end it with that, it's not even a choice anymore.)

-Tuesday, November 10, 2015.


	17. Pony Me Wears Glasses Now, That's All

Update #10: okay everyone, so I was too busy to do anything Pony-Related yesterday, but today I managed to make a lovely picture of pony me with my new glasses, which was another thing I had wanted to do, and now it's done, so that's nice, I also wanted to mention that I'm likely going to be very busy for a large part of tomorrow, but if I find myself with some spare time, I think I'll totally watch the Season 5 Premiere, and then I can review that for you, yay Pony Fun!

-Thursday, November 12, 2015.

 **Damn, I need to get a deviantart account or something so I can also post those Pony Images I make.**


	18. Flash Game Reviews!

Update #11: yo', everybody! got some news for all of yah, this morning I woke up way earlier than I was expecting, so I had some serious, surprise free time on my hands, so what do I do!?

I go on the computer and read about video games and shit, also fixing small mistakes in my latest story 'Frozen Forever' while I'm at it.

 **Present Time Note: Frozen fanfiction, still haven't posted it yet because it contains spoilers for other stories that I also haven't posted. Once I do put it up you'll be able to go read it.**

But then, OUT OF NOWHERE, a small ad pops up:

"Play Lots of My Little Pony Flash Games, at GameOMG."

...oh holy fuck we know where this is going.

So, right then, in the middle of my deliema of not having the whole Season 5 of Friendship is Magic for Pony Week, the MLP Gods smiled at me, and cast me down into the burning hell known as unlicensed flash games.

So, come on! let's fucking _review_ some of these suckers!

(Just to be clear, I don't really 'hate' flash games, I know a lot of them that I absolutely love to death, it's just that, well, those games are rare, most suck, like, _really, really fuckin' bad._ )

So, first one to strongly catch my attention is 'Rarity's Baby Birth', which only does so because the picture actually features Rarity with the sweetest fucking smile I've ever seen on her, seriously this chick is fucking adorable, usually the artwork that goes with these kind of games is crap, just like them, but I'm actually really impressed, she looks absolutely beautiful and the expression really does seem to convey that of a mother's joy, however, I _had_ already decided that I was going to avoid the 'birthing games' because those are always very similar and other people've covered them lots of times before, and I wanted to do something new and unusual, thanks.

Also, they're usually fucking gross, that's what I say to you, Miracle of Life.

...but oh fine, one can't really hurt can it?

(Oh it's totally going to, isn't it?)

As the game loads, I peek at the description and my fears seem confirmed.

This is going to be fucking awful.

So the game starts with a cover/remix of the Friendship is Magic theme, along with Rarity in a garden of flowers with a baby stroller, she's also pregnant, and I'm wondering why the hell I ever got involved with her to begin with, all well, guess it's time to be a good husband and see what the hell she wants from me.

...she, uh, doesn't want anything, the game took me to a different screen, this one being of Rarity in a house with a bunch of cupboards and shit, I guess I'm supposed to just click around until something happens.

 _Click-click-click-click-click-click-click._ OH MY GOD, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

"Erm!" Rarity growls, her eyebrows curving irritably.

...oh my lord, did that really just happen?

I slam the cupboard closed and open the fridge, she goes back to being happy again, I then click her, she gets annoyed again, fridge, her, fridge, her, happy, annoyed, happy, annoyed, wow! it's actually a little bit fun to just screw with her emotions like that!

Anyway, then I take out some towels from a cupboard and Rarity gets SUPER happy! well, we can't have that! so I click her and she gets annoyed again! also, it turns out she gets annoyed if I click anything other than the cupboards and shit, which must be what happened the first time, huh.

So then I speed-run through all the cupboards and pick up all the stupid baby shit, so onto the next level-AHHH IT'S JUST THE SAME THING AGAIN ONLY WITH A DIFFERENT SETTING!

Oh, wait, no it's not, my bad.

Anyway, it turns out it wants me to design a stroller.

...do other reviewers feel this strange void of emptiness when they review this shit?

So then I just make the stroller look as hearse-like as possible, because when I run into people randomly, I want them to know to stay the fuck away and not get involved like I foolishly did.

So then my "sexy!" (she's not really sexy...!) pregnant wife and I go to bed, where she takes off her dress and lays on the bed apparently ready to become no longer pregnant, she wants me to listen to the baby with a stethoscope or whatever they're called, I say screw that, and just put the thing to her forehead.

I hear only the quiet sound of her detestment.

So then she has me take her temperature, and I look at the result, she asks how bad it is, and I casually declare her perfectly fine, tossing the thing aside without a care despite most likely being around seventeen points higher than it should be, I don't know and I don't really give a damn, I just want to be done.

So then she asks me to get her a glass of water, I do so all pissed off, and then... she pours it over herself, and then she wants me to start rubbing her.

Looks like things just got... DANGEROUSLY EROTIC. (oh yeah!)

 **Present Time Note: 'Looks like things just got Dangerously Erotic' was a running gag of Erik's, inserted at the most sexually awkward (and kinky!) part of a film. Now that A Very Strange Place is dead and has been for years, I've adopted the legacy of the joke out of respect for my fallen hero. Because god damn it, _somebody_ needs to keep that hilarious gag alive.**

 **You'll notice that there's starting to be a lot less of these present time notes, that's because we're quickly catching up to the present. The less time has passed, the less there is that I need to talk about, explain, or correct.**

Anyway, as I reluctantly do so two things happen, first, a picture of the baby comes up, and does so in a way that is just TOO, DAMN, WEIRD, my god is this driving me nuts, and the other thing is her face changes to that as the advertised one from before, that, you know what, very suddenly doesn't look oh so cute anymore, in fact I kinda hate it, so then she has me fetch some other random thing, and then... the game just kinda stops, for a moment I was all "YES! IT GLITCHED! I CAN LEAVE NOW!" but then I figured out she wanted me to pump air through the damn thing, and then... she wants me to give her a shot of clear pink liquid, NO WAY, THAT IS GOING TOO FAR! I WILL NOT PUMP DRUGS INTO YOU, I WON'T! I REFUSE TO! GOODBYE! *I click the exit button*

 **Present Time Note: this was back when I believed a lot of pseudoscientific nonsense regarding medication, I believed that a "natural" birth was ideal and that using drugs for pregnancy did more harm than good. I no longer hold this view, thank goodness.**

So _**there,**_ that's _**done,**_ now let's find something closer to what I was going for in the first place!

Hmm, okay, I think I'll take this one, 'Applejack's Weekend On the Beach', it catches my eye, probably because the background isn't just another fucking nursery room and shit actually happens outdoors.

So while it loads, I may as well acknowledge that the site's name (GameOMG) really helps tell you just how low you should drop your expectations.

So we find Applejack, on the beach, in human form, wearing a pretty shitty bikini, while frickin' annoying music plays, and she's walking to... A BEACH BEAUTY SALON!? ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME!?

So yeah, it's a dress-up game, whadda know, so I'm like 'Applejack girlfriend, you are like, showin' way too much skin there, babe, so let me help you out with that.'

So then I give her the most covering outfit I can manage, and do her hair up all like Miss Frizzle, 'cause I'm just snazzy like that, and... that's it, game's over, NEXT!

Okay, so as I'm looking around, I'm noticing that some of these 'games' (abominations) actually have a red streak across the top of them with the word 'HOT' stamped on, I guess these must be the current 'Greatest Hits' of the site, maybe we'll try one of them.

So, there's 'Principle Celestia Dress-Up', but seeing how I just did one of those I think I'll take 'Rainbow Rocks The Dazzlings Aria Blaze'.

So the game starts off... actually looking pretty sweet, even the song isn't very annoying, at least compared to the other ones, I'm actually starting to get into this, however, it then turns out to be yet another dress-up game, god damn! if I wanted another one of these I would've taken the Bon Bon one!

Or, you know, the Celestia one I mentioned.

...BACK!

Okay, let's see what we've got... hm? what's this? 'Rainbow Rocks Trixie and the Illusions Coloring Game'? I'M SOLD!

So the game starts with Trixie's song 'Tricks Up My Sleeve' playing, and... I've never actually heard the whole thing of the song before... holy shit! this thing fucking ROCKS, ASS! this song is great! it's fantastic! I always thought it was just the couple damn lines over and over, making her a one-trick pony, (get it?), but no, this song's incredible! NOW I understand how the hell she made it into the final four of the Rainbow Rocks Tournament! she did it because her music's actually GOOD, man, I could just sing this shit all day! seriously, listen to this stuff! " _Come on you're just makin'_ _ **noise,**_ _listen how my music_ _ **DE-STROYS,**_ _anything you throw at me, I'm gonna throw back just wait and see-ee!_ " I'd sing way more, but I don't want to just spoil all the lyrics for you, they're so clever and oh my god it just all rocks so fucking much.

Besides, it would kinda suck if I just filled in a bunch of lines with lyrics to the song.

So as for the game, there's not really much to _say_ about it, it's just a coloring game, I colored a picture, simple, _**but,**_ I drew that picture with a lot of love and care, while listening to that song, so, what I'm saying is, this game is the fucking best, that was freakin' awesome that's what that was, I took so much care in everything I did with the picture, I wanted it all to have this very specific style to it, and I think it turned out looking great, I'm quite proud of it, and I did it all while regularly singing in sudden outbursts whenever the most rocking parts of the song came around, it was fucking sweet.

So now I guess I'd better move on to the next game, hmm, I think I'll take this one, 'Equestria Team Graduation', doesn't that sound all nice and shitty?

So the game starts off with some calm music that's pretty nice, pretty relaxing, and then GOD DAMN, it's another dress-up game! all well, at least it's a bit different, and the music's nice. So in this one we actually have to dress up three people, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Applejack, so they can take a picture of themselves together for graduation I guess, it has quite a few options for you to use but I'm just gonna give them their normal Equestria Girls outfits, with a bit of spark and dazzle here and there, since I'm just snazzy like that.

...

There, all done, easy.

Hmm, well to be honest, guys, I don't see any more games that look like they'd be, oh, you know, _different,_ so... I guess I'm done.

Huh.

Well, I may not see any 'games', but you know what I do see? that Adagio Dazzle's and Aria Blaze's dress-up games both have the 'HOT' rating, but Sonata Dusk's _doesn't,_ _ **dun-dun-dun!**_

So I guess I'm all finished here-hm? hold on a second, what's that? w-why, it's one called 'Spike Toss' that doesn't look at all like a dress-up game or a baby game, but rather a rip-off of Angry Birds, which was itself a rip-off of Crush the Castle, a game made by Armor Games, who also, in an interesting loop, are the people who've made, like, ALL the actually good Flash Games I've ever played.

 **Present Time Note: seriously, Armor Games is the fucking best flash game creator, the people there rock.**

At this point, why not?

So the title screen sucks, but the game actually starts out exciting! there's a bunch of shouts from the pony characters' going all "WAHOO, SPIKE! YOU CAN DO IT!" followed by really fast and cool music that sounds like it jumped right out of an Ape Escape game. So we have Spike here in a giant slingshot, and we, uh, use Rarity's magic to pull the thing back and sling him out to pick up gems, huh, well, Rarity COULD always just walk over and pick up the damn gems, or even use said magic to bring them to her, rather than throw Spike out on his head over and over, but I guess then we wouldn't have a game.

So thank goodness it's one of the games that leaves a line depicting your last throw, that'll come in handy, but I still totally fail at the very first level, using up all my shots on trying to get the one, super-hard-to-reach gem, the game doesn't give a shit that I suck though, and lets me just move on to level two anyway, thanks, suckers!

So then I fail even harder at the second level, but it just let's me move on to the third, I completely suck at that one too, but again, onwards with me! wow, there is NO consequence for sucking, closest thing you get is your own feeling of worthlessness, if you can even get that from losing this, playing it I could see, but losing? _nah._

On a side note, it's fuckin' hilarious when I shoot and instantly get absolutely nothing, like, I fire at a gem, he hits just above it, he bounces back and goes flying offscreen, a wasted shot.

It really is very funny, I wish I could show you guys a bloober reel of all the hilarious moments, but I can't, sorry.

As for more on the game itself, it isn't actually like Angry Birds or Crush the Castle, it has it's own rhyme and rhythm to it, and I respect that, it has a lot of unique elements to it that you have to constantly watch out for, and I also must say that it has a very surprisingly high amount of levels, a couple of which I do actually almost win, and the level designs are extremely clever and challenging enough for me to suck at almost all of them, the only complaints I can really think of is that I started to get quite tired of the game later on, since there were so damn many of these things and me sucking at them didn't help, and the last level is Twilight's house, yes, it is stupid, and pointless, as there especially they don't need to go throwing Spike around, also, as nice as the music is, it's pretty short on it's loop and also got tiring after a while of playing.

Also, I made my own silly little level, that was nice.

So there, I guess that's it, that's all my flash gaming for today, I hope you all enjoyed it, you probably didn't, but I hope you did, I tried pretty hard to make it enjoyable, I thought about making a couple sex jokes back at the first one with Rarity, but I didn't, for those of you who appreciate it, none of them were very good anyway, so I don't mind. Well, I'll keep doing stuff for Pony Week and will probably be here again tomorrow to give you another real review, of episodes and shit, I can't do that today I'm afraid, ended up spending all my free time on this, but it's fine, they're comin'.

I think.

(Thanks for readin', if you wanna see pics of all the stuff I designed and colored, click here, **(Present-Time: lol no, not on fanfiction lulz. Just search for me on Instagram, I'm BrandosWorld4Life, you can find the pictures there. Same with the one from the last update.)** And if you want to play my silly level on Spike Toss, just go to the place, enter the 'Level Editor' screen, and put in the following code:

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

(Actually, don't put it in: I have no idea what the problem is, seeing as how I just copied this right out of the game itself, but it won't work for me, so, yeah, so much for that.)

Also, I'd like to mention that I actually have played another Pony Flash Game before, 'Power Ponies', and yes, it actually kicks ass, so if you wanna go play an actually good one, go play the hell out of that, I think I might right now, so there, that's everything, enjoy!)

-Friday, November 13, 2015/Monday, May 02, 2016.


	19. Cutie Markless Review and Analysis!

Update #12: okay everyone! I'm back, and I'm ready to finally review some more damn episodes for ya', since I like, totally assume that's what most of you want me to do, I wouldn't know because I get ZERO feedback from you guys, because, well, these haven't been posted anywhere you can get to them.

All well, anyways! As I was saying, today I've got the first _four_ episodes of Season 5 of Friendship is magic for you, Cutie Markless Parts 1 and 2, Castle Sweet Castle, and Bloom and Gloom.

Now we start off with the two-part episode 'Cutie Markless', which, even though I had what was probably the most overall enjoyable time watching this one, it still manages to be the worst of the group in many ways. the basic plot summary is that the Main Six stumble upon a map that sends them to a small town in 'Eastern Equestria' inhabited by a bunch of happy ponies. These new ponies are all friendly at first, but then of course it turns out that it's all a lie and the village is really a cult, and this is where the massive problems start.

 **PTN. After this I wrote a bunch about the episode but I've removed it because it wasn't well written, I didn't know the proper terms for certain concepts and it resulted in me generally doing a very poor job of explaining what I was trying to say. I'll now either rewrite or summarize all of it.**

 **\- First I talk about how Starlight Glimmer's ideology is meant to, at least in part, represent Communism. I know some people think that it wasn't meant to represent Communism at all and is really just about Cultism, and I would really like to agree, but I don't. It seems to mostly be about Cultism, but it must have been intended to be at least partially in reference to Communism as well, because why else would the episode stress that this takes place in** _Eastern_ **Equestria, in obvious reference to Eastern Europe, which was infamously gripped by Communism for decades? It doesn't make sense otherwise.**

 **Additionally, Communism has strong cultural association with authoritarian states that make a big show of promising equality for all, and even though I can accept that the creators didn't intend to reference Communism with Starlight's equality shtick, it's easy to see why many people would take it that way.** **It makes me roll my eyes whenever someone says anything that blatantly or implicitly states that this connection exists purely in the viewers' heads. No, it doesn't.** **It's just stupid to pretend like that association doesn't exist and anybody who thinks of Communism when watching the episode is anything less than normal. Even if the creators didn't intend it, the end result of Starlight's village is still "authoritarian state that promises equality for it's subjects", a description that would make most people immediately think of the USSR.**

 **With all that said, however,** **I can forgive the constant references to equality as Cultism only, sure, my beef isn't with that, there are tons of cults and ideologies which promise equality, it's not strictly a Communism thing at all, so it's not a problem for me. But there was absolutely no reason to stress 'Eastern Equestria' other than as a reference to the Communist regimes of Eastern Europe. Switching this to being a Global instead of European thing doesn't help either, as the Global idea of Capitalism vs. Communism if frequently framed as West vs. East. So, I don't know, I feel like that could only be a reference to Communism, and if it's not then I have no idea what it's supposed to mean.**

 **(Also, in regards to the idea that Starlight's village was based off of Fascism, I find that a little hard to believe. Aesthetically, yes, they resemble fascists, but Fascism hates the idea of equality, it viciously opposes it. Fascism is all about superiority over others and domination of the weak, so yeah, I'm not getting a very fascist vibe from them, guys.)**

 **\- After establishing the above, I talk about how it's representation of Communism is extremely poorly done, and if the Mane Six are supposed to represent Capitalism by contrast, then they're an even worse representation. I'll skip the details, as it's not a very interesting topic, but at the end I reiterate that I would _like_ to believe that it wasn't even trying to be a representation of Communism at all, (because if it was it completely failed), but I genuinely don't know what else the title of "Eastern Equestria" could reasonably be referring to, that one term is all that really gets me.**

 **\- Next I talk about how completely stupid and doomed to fail Starlight's plan is to begin with. With the biggest topic being that she just makes everybody terrible at everything, which is a 100% negative return for adopting her ideology. This creates a multitude of problems. As far as comparisons to real life societies go, no country on any part of the political spectrum has ever done anything even remotely like this, that's just utterly moronic and self-destructive.**

 **\- But the REAL problems with Starlight's village, for me, are from a storytelling perspective. Because her society is built for failure. 1: NOBODY is happy living in it. 2: Anybody who adopts it is only going to lose talent and gain nothing. 3: If they try to compete in any way against ponies who _haven't_ given up their talents, they're going to lose. So, everybody in the society hates it, everybody who might consider joining the society has absolutely no motivation to do so, and everybody who refuses to join will have nothing to fear. In short, _STARLIGHT'S VILLAGE IS NOT A THREAT._ Their way of life is so self-destructive that the only thing they can do is collapse, and I believe they would have done exactly that regardless of whether or not the Mane Six came to shut it down.**

 **\- So where does this put us, exactly? Well, since Starlight's village is so self-destructive and the everything about how she does things is so stupid, there's really nothing intellectually stimulating about the episode's conflict. Twilight and crew's way of life is so strongly, blatantly, objectively better than Starlight's that beating her feels less like a struggle and more like a chore. Success is just... guaranteed. It's easy to beat Starlight's society because it offers absolutely nothing of value. The Mane Six don't need to make a case as to why their way of life is the right way, because basically ANY way of life is better than Starlight's. There is ZERO ambiguity, ZERO philosophizing, ZERO actual clashes of ideas. Starlight's ideology is a pathetic laughing stock, and can be dismissed as such.**

 **(This next part wasn't included in the original review, but it is something I started thinking about a whole bunch not long afterwards and would like to add.)**

 **But it didn't need to be that way. Imagine if Starlight's ideology was just barely tweaked so that suddenly, all of that turns around. What if instead of taking all the cutie marks away so that nopony has any of them, Starlight used her magic to redistribute the cutie marks at will, so that any pony can have any cutie mark (and therefore any special talent) whenever they need it? This, changes, EVERYTHING. Now I'm not the first person to talk about this concept by any means, but whenever I see the subject discussed the focus seems to always be on determining whether or not Starlight's ideology was actually secretly good or workable. That's not what I'm here to talk about today, what I want to talk about is how this improves the actual adventure, as well as explore some of the applications of this new system and theorize solutions to how the Mane Six can fight against it. So let's do that!**

 **First off, the most immediate and important change is that everything I said about Starlight's village being a non-threat or easy to beat goes right out the window. With all of the ponies able to switch out special talents, Starlight's village neither gains nor loses the amount of talent they have in relation to the rest of Equestria. Their talent does, however, become far more flexible. One application is allowing talents to be continuously used by switching them over to a different pony the moment the current user becomes fatigued. Another is that any two or more talents that work really, really well when paired up together can now be used simultaneously by one pony. So even though they don't have an increase in talent, their way of life allows them to do more in less time with the talent they have, provided proper organization.**

 **Now suddenly, Starlight's village is a legitimate threat. It's people are happy, outsiders actually have tangible reasons to consider adopting the ideology, and those who refuse to join can be effectively fought or competed against. This is great! Now that we have an appropriately powered foe, the Mane Six's job becomes both much more difficult and much** **more important, and of course, much more INTERESTING. Starli** **ght actually might be able to take over Equestria like this. And it opens up the door for potential plot elements such as one or more of the Mane Six being taken in and convinced that Starlight's ideology is the right way to live, like Fluttershy kinda half-was in the original version of the episode, and making our heroes have to debate the issue not just against Starlight but amongst themselves as well.**

 **Another potential plot element I like to think about involves how the ponies of Starlight's village might react to this new system, my favorite ideas for conflict are the concept of two ponies who are** **both obsessed with one particular cutie mark and things get heated between them over it, and one pony (or even a group of ponies) who feel violated and/or jealous about their personal cutie marks being used by other ponies. Whether or not these ideas would actually be implemented is debatable however, considering how Starlight would put an end to such things right away if she was aware of them, and if the ponies are truly taken and supportive of her ideology than the issues just won't exist to begin with.**

 **Now as I said, today the discussion is not directly about whether or not her ideology is actually good, (though we may wind up figuring that out along the way), what we're going to do is put ourselves into the shoes of the writers and say "Okay, this is how Starlight's village operates, now how do we make the Mane Six win?" We are sadly NOT going to explore the idea of the Mane Six and Equestria actually discarding their way of life and adopting Starlight's, for the purposes of this discussion that possibility is flat-out rejected. That is not an option. The Mane Six HAVE to beat Starlight's village and preserve their way of life of everypony just keeping their own cutie mark to themselves. The reasons for why this specifically is the discussion we're having can be argued with things like how if all the ponies can switch around their cutie marks that'll cause problems for the show going forward, but the real reason is of course simply because, well, this is what I wanna talk about. This specific discussion is particularly interesting to me so that's what I'm doing, and that's that.**

 **Before we start diving into theories on how to beat Starlight's village, I want to establish two rules, a distinction, and address an issue.**

 **DISTINCTION: There is a difference between ideology and system. You'll see me using both terms throughout this review. When I say ideology, I'm talking about the set of beliefs and ideas one side holds. Ex: Starlight's belief about cutie marks causing conflict. When I say system, I mean the specific method they're using to implement their ideology. Ex: Starlight's cutie mark redistribution.**

 **RULE #1: Everything else about Starlight's ideology stays exactly the same. The only thing different is that the cutie marks are redistributed instead of taken away. Namely, the village still believes that different ponies holding different cutie marks/talents inherently causes conflict and that happiness and peace can be best achieved by making everybody have equal talent.**

 **RULE #2: As such, it's okay to explore ideas where Starlight's ideology is discarded because of problems with it that don't relate specifically to the system of cutie mark redistribution.** **In other words, the Mane 6 don't have to create a better system than Starlight in order to oppose and defeat her ideology, as the two are not the same.**

 **ISSUE: "What about Magical Mystery Cure!?"** **This is the moment when we, the writer, flip the worktable when it hits us that cutie marks have been switched around before, and the ponies most certainly did not gain each others talents. Luckily, we have the power of the handwave. Just throw out something about how the two cases are different, (i.e. the spell Starlight uses works in a completely different fashion than the one Twilight used in MMC), and there we go, it's done, don't worry about it.**

 **So now that we have all of that covered. How do we, given the established situation, make the Mane Six come out on top?**

 **Well, I personally have a few ideas. Let's go over them!**

 **IDEA #1: the Dictator Strategy.**

 **Let's get this option out of the way first because it's the least interesting. The plan here is that the Mane Six are in the right purely because Starlight is a control freak who doesn't actually let the ponies in her village live however they want and they must always obey, obey, obey. This is boring. It takes all the creative potential of these specific circumstances and waters it down to a bland anti-totalitarian message. I don't like that. Pass.**

 **IDEA #2: Decay.**

 **In this scenario, the Mane 6 don't really have any strong objections to Starlight's ideology or system, just their own personal preferences. However the conflict comes into play when it's discovered and established that cutie marks are sacred, personal things that simply aren't meant to be removed or shared with other ponies, and doing so has negative long term effects. One idea I have is that the cutie marks being redistributed will, after a time, start to permanently lose their magical ability to bestow talent. Another, more scary option, would be to have the ponies themselves start to be affected in some way, such as them losing personality traits and becoming the equivalent of walking cardboard (which goes hand-in-hand with the aesthetic sameness that Starlight was enforcing), or feeling a confused dysphoria where they don't know what they are or what they want to be anymore. The specifics are fun to discuss, but ultimately all that matters is that removing and redistributing the cutie marks is very, very bad.**

 **From here on there's a couple different routes we can take in regards to Starlight's reaction. She could have already known about the negative effects but has been keeping them a secret while she tries (and fails) to find a cure, or she could simply not care about the consequences because she's so dogmatically attached to the ideology that she would rather live with the decay than give up her vision of equality. We can have her relent and tearfully give up or continue driving her people towards destruction and need to be overthrown. There's just tons of different ways this idea could go!**

 **The big weakness of this idea is pretty obvious. It's similar to the last one in that the Mane Six never actually engage intellectually against the core of Starlight's ideology nor her system. Rather it's like Starlight did legitimately have ideas for a better way of life, but she was stopped by forces outside of her or the Mane Six's control. However, that's not necessarily a bad thing. There's nothing wrong with a story where someone comes up with a great idea and then it just doesn't work out for them, provided the story itself is still interesting. It does somewhat defeat the purpose of the discussion though, as in a sense it could be said that Starlight's ideology did win.**

 **The strengths of this idea, meanwhile, are numerous. It tells a very different story than the original Cutie Markless, but a very potentially interesting one. It has room for plenty of drama and even a little horror. It's way less rigid than the other ideas, giving us lots of possibilities. And perhaps the biggest one, it gives us more focus about how personal and important each cutie mark is to it's particular pony and stresses the bond between them, establishing that cutie marks are not clothes to be tried on or tools to be passed around, they mean more than that, they're special.**

 **IDEA #3: Actually Arguing Against Starlight's Ideas.**

 **Whoo-boy, here we go! This is the one we've all been waiting for. No more excuses, no more shortcuts, now we finally ask the question: How can the Mane Six actually defeat Starlight's ideas on an intellectual basis? Well let me show you my best try, dear viewers, with two arguments! One against her ideology, and yes, I even managed to think of one against her system. Let's do this.**

 **ARGUMENT AGAINST IDEOLOGY.**

 **This can be summed up as: "You're taking away freedom to unnecessarily solve a non-issue** **."**

 **I realized that, you know, despite all of Starlight's talk about disagreements and arguments between ponies who don't adopt her way of life, we don't actually HAVE a whole lot of that in Equestria. Most of the time whenever there is any sort of conflict between the Mane Six, they just work it out like, you know, friends. Sure there are some bad apples like Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, but ponies like them are few and far between. The vast, vast majority of Equestria seems to consist of really joyful, really friendly, and really, really good natured ponies.**

 **As for Starlight's plan to remove all conflict from society by erasing the differences between individuals, well, that's just solved by a concept the Mane Six know as 'Maturity'. It's actually really not that hard to get along with people who are different from yourself, just look at our heroes. Twilight, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, AJ and Pinkie are all VERY different from each other, but they're still more than capable of friendship. In fact, everybody who's incapable of getting along with other ponies because of the trivial differences Starlight wants to remove is immature, _and the problem._ Rational adults are simply not going to hate each other over a hairstyle, or the other person's choice of entertainment, or who's better at a certain sport or game, or ANYTHING harmless like that. ****The only cases where Maturity _isn't_ going to be enough to stop conflict is when there is actual, tangible harm to someone involved, (such as bigotry), which is something the Mane Six's society already generally opposes while still encouraging diversity of character.**

 **Furthermore, in regards to the claim of ponies supposedly fighting because they think their cutie marks make them special, the number of times this actually happens must be absolutely minuscule. Throughout the entire show, since when has this EVER been a problem? Answer: _It hasn't._ Yet that's where Starlight's focus is. The lyrics to her village's national anthem go, "** _Other ponies argue, do you ever wonder why? When you think your talent's special, you don't see eye to eye._ **" So clearly she believes that cutie marks are the root of disagreement between ponies. This is blatantly wrong. Basically every conflict we've had on the show (that didn't involve outright villains trying to take over) has originated from differences in personality and preference, with no connection to special talents whatsoever. Sure Starlight wants to remove all differences between ponies so her ideology still tackles that as well, but her odd fixation on special talents in particular as problem-starters is simply not an accurate view of reality.**

 **ARGUMENT AGAINST SYSTEM.**

 **This was the largest obstacle our heroes have to face. While Starlight's ideology is flawed in ways that are easily exploitable, her system seems pretty rock solid. 'Any pony can use any cutie mark.' On the surface, that sounds objectively better than the system of 'Every pony can only use their personal cutie mark.' But, and though it may not be perfect, I think I've come up with a worthy counterpoint.**

 **Rarity.**

 **My argument is Rarity.**

 **Let me explain:** **Starlight's society actually does keep everybody in a state of universal mediocrity. Whenever a pony needs to do anything, they just borrow the cutie mark for it, gain the talent, do the thing, and then return the cutie mark. They don't actually ever improve their skills, they just live life on piss easy shortcut mode and it keeps them technically useless. The cutie mark distribution bestows them only with temporary, artificial talent. But ponies like the Mane Six, they're different. Let's, taaake, hmmmmmm, Rarity for example.**

 **Rarity's special talent is finding gemstones. But what does she actually do for a living? That's right, she's a fashion designer, and more than that, she's the BEST damn fashion designer in all of Equestria. She is _even better_ than ponies whose special talents ARE fashion designing. That's because Rarity worked and practiced the art until she had it down. She earned herself that talent. You see, if Rarity lived in Starlight's society, she would just borrow a fashion designing cutie mark and use that everytime she wants to design something. Applebloom is another example, as instead of practicing her potion making until she gets legitimately good, it would be so much easier for her to just burrow the potion making cutie mark and be (artificially) amazing off the hop. This is the problem with Starlight's system: it keeps ponies from improving themselves. They'll be dependent on their easy out forever.**

 **Equestrian ponies, meanwhile, get their one cutie mark of natural talent and then if they want to do anything else, they have to gain that ability through practice, which takes work, sure, but then they have it permanently. This means that Equestria actually DOES contain more talent in proportion to Starlight's society, because Equestrian ponies are improving themselves while Starlight village ponies just take shortcut after shortcut.**

 **Now of course I'm aware that there are counterarguments to this and counterarguments to those counterarguments and just a ton of aspects to look at and points to me made and ideas to explore. There's mountains of content to talk about here. Way, way too much for me to write every single little bit of it out. Speaking of which, I have already talked an about this a lot so I think I'm going to just stop writing about the subject here. But I am definitely going to keep thinking about it, and I hope you readers will too. I think it's a brilliant subject, and I've had a lot of fun analyzing it.**

 **Finally, I'd like to just say that in my heart, I don't actually hate this episode anymore. Sure it has flaws, but it still has a lot of good in it that I just didn't appreciate before as much as I should have. Even completely ignoring the fact that it sparked so much awesome and interesting discussion, Cutie Markless does legitimately have a great setting, good music, good characters (as always), and successfully provides a fun adventure. Sure it's not amazing and all of my critiques of it from before are still valid, but it doesn't deserve to be labeled as terrible, and certainly not _boring._**

 **I find myself feeling this way about most pony episodes that I was really harsh towards during my first time viewing. Back then, in 2015, I was a much more negatively-focused critic, where everything I didn't like would hold my attention stronger than everything I did. Since then I've shifted to become more balanced in the way I view things, giving equal attention to what I do and don't enjoy. And I can honestly say, yeah, I like Cutie Markless, whenever I go back to it now it makes me really happy because I've gotten over the stuff I don't like and now I'm just really grateful to it for everything I do. I know they're just episodes of a cartoon and not anything like, you know, people, but I still want to extend my apologies to all MLP episodes that I was unfairly harsh towards. Most especially this one, which was the most unjustly hated of the bunch. I'm still going to upload me saying these harsh things since that's what I wrote and I want to preserve it out of principle. But just remember, viewers, whenever my writing from around 2015 seems overly negative about an episode (like literally all of the ones listed in this blog update) there's a decent chance that I don't actually feel that way about it anymore. Cheers.**

 **All done.**

So as for the next one, Castle Sweet Castle, whoo boy, this is the episode I had the least overall enjoyable time watching, it is one of the most boring episodes to date.

The episode is the one we were promised of Twilight getting used to her castle and missing the library, which was destroyed during the pointless battle against Tirek. That's right, a meaningless death, wow, people just _**love those.**_ Anyway, first off, all of Twilight's friends, excluding me, but especially Fluttershy, are blind to Twilight's obvious discomfort towards her new castle, either that or they just don't care, which makes them worse friends than if they are blind.

After discovering the problem, they make Spike (who is, as usual, the best part) go and take Twilight to the spa so she can relax while they make the castle more comfortable for her, they then go on ahead and fuck up the super-easy job by filling the castle with crap that would only make _them_ feel at home! As usual, they're all too self-centered to just look at it from the other peoples' perspective, only their own, so that's what they go for, especially Rarity, who just has a freakin' problem with it throughout the episode.

So then the rest of the plot is literally just them screwing up a bunch until they _FINALLY_ figure it out and fix their damn mistakes, all while Spike struggles on to keep Twilight busy to buy them more time. At one point he gets one of those hot deep-bone massages, which the show portrays inaccurately, making him be all in pain afterwards despite the entire point of those massages being that it's unpleasant to go through but feels lovely afterwards. Anyway, my point is that this episode also sucks.

As for the last episode, Bloom and Gloom, it seemed like it would finally be a good one, being about the Crusaders and all, but alas, it too was a disappointment. The thing with Babs' Cutie Mark was meh, and while it was kinda good to see them finally answer questions about the Crusaders' fate that had been floating around since forever, it didn't last terribly long and wasn't very satisfying.

Most of the plot was just Applebloom's dreams, which we knew were dreams the whole time and therefore didn't really give a shit. I was mostly just waiting for them to hurry up and get it over with, but nope, pretty much the whole damn episode was that, and then they just repeated the plot-point from before and made Princess Luna save the day, since of course Celestia didn't give her anything to do other than babysit three fillies. It just comes across as near-pointless and unsatisfying, and you know what else they repeat? _Applejack and Big Mac switching speech patterns,_ they already did that joke, but here they are, doing it again, on top of everything else I've complained about so far.

And that's not even the worst of it.

The worst part is, by far, the fact that near the end of every dream segment, the frickin' cult leader from the problem-ridden season opener would try to sway Applebloom into getting rid of her Cutie Mark, we're never given any explanation for how she does this, but then again, we're never given much explanation for her at all, which, _**frustratingly,**_ the other bronies apparently just _**love**_ _,_ they _crave_ all that 'mystery' of her's. I don't. I fucking hate her. When we had her beat at the end of the first two episodes, Pony Me was cheering on to everybody that we give her a sentence of one month of solitary confinement followed immediately by public execution, but then she got away, and it's during this episode that I realized with horror that she's actually gonna be a big part of not just the opener, but this ENTIRE season. Ugh, wow, I can't wait.

...seriously people, that's just sad, this season is going to suck, and it'll stem mostly from her.

...

You know what else is sad?

This is still probably the best episode.

I mean, it was actually legitimately fun at times, especially during the first dream... okay, basically only during parts of the first dream, though the rest of it wasn't terribly bad, increasingly so when compared to the last couple episodes. And the part with Applejack and Big Mac switching speech patterns? It also wasn't bad overall, at first it was, but then they mixed it up a bunch by making a chaotic swarm out of their and Granny Smith's voices, that was pretty good, so, yeah, I guess this was still my favorite episode so far, not that that's saying much, but only time will tell if Season 5 can redeem itself, or if it will fade into the Hall of Infamy as my least favorite season.

Farewell everyone, I hope that this season will get better as it goes. And remember, it may not be worthy of it now, but if and when it finally does get good, you'll finally be able to, get'cho BRONY on.

And I will be the first to do so.

-Sunday, November 15, 2015/Tuesday, November 17, 2015.

 **-February 25, March 1, and March 2, 2019.**


	20. Tanks Appleloosa 4 Most Wanted Memories

Update #13: oh, uh, hey everybody...! I've got some news, heh, heh, turns out that I somehow ended up being a couple days behind, yesterday was the last day of Pony Week, when I thought today was the second last day, and tomorrow the last, but apparently that's all wrong! and to top it off, I'm WAY too tired to do a huge review, but I'll do what I can!

Yesterday I did watch episodes 5 and 6 of Season 5, Tanks for the Memories and Appleloosa's Most Wanted, the first one... was pretty shitty, it was another episode where you mostly just sit and wait around for what you already know is gonna happen, and it bothers me that Tank apparently has to go to sleep in the dirt instead of in a nice cozy bed in Rainbow's place despite the fact that about 99% of the other animals are clearly going to just live with frickin' Fluttershy throughout the winter, so yeah, that just sucks, but I should mention that some of the episode was okay, screwin' around fucking everything up in Cloudsdale was both insane that it even happened and super fun while it did, it's about time we get a moment where Rainbow goes properly dark, so credit where it's due there.

As for Appleloosa's Most Wanted, that episode actually wasn't very bad at all, I'd say it's the best Season 5 episode yet. It's another Crusaders one, which is done much more properly than Bloom and Gloom, and has the cast going back to Appleloosa, which I'll admit I was really excited about since the first Appleloosa episode, Over a Barrel, was one of my favorite episodes ever. Anyway, the plot is pretty boring, basically the Crusaders try to track down a wanted criminal only to discover that he's a nice fellow who never meant anyone any harm and has given up on his dream, they then get him arrested and thrown in jail, but come up with a clever plan to bust him out, they then show him a way he can make a living as a clown, since he's so klutzy, and once they explain everything to everybody the charges are dropped and that's the end of that.

Now for the problems! (there's a few of them, but the episode was still fun regardless)

Problem #1: this is a minor issue, but jeez, the guy was kinda annoying with his talk about how unlucky he is about everything, I mean, come on, dude! that's MY job.

Problem #2: at one point early on we're shown a flashback of one of the adult ponies as a child, being friends with some buffalo in an early Appleloosa. This is, of course, utterly impossible. We know from Over a Barrel that not only was Appleloosa built within the past year, but the buffalo were enemies, that was the entire focus of the fucking episode! Seriously, these are the kind of blatant inconsistencies that make me question who the hell is getting paid for writing this? In my book, (heh, heh, get it?), blatant inconsistencies are one of the _**WORST things**_ you can have in your story, _get it fucking straight, or don't write it at all,_ because the moment one of those things is added, the story instantly loses all of it's credibility. **(Present Time Note: Yep! I still agree with this. If you're willing to just throw everything you've already established out the window on a whim, then why should we bother getting invested? What contradictory nonsense will they throw at us next, that Twilight has lived in Ponyville since birth? It's horrendous.)**

(Also, please note that by 'it' in 'don't write it at all', I mean the scene that has the inconsistency in it, not the whole story, that's wasteful. Just don't write the fucking scene if it causes this problem, here, for instance, this very entry could've been easily averted if they'd, oh, you know, NOT PUT IN THAT FUCKING FLASHBACK.)

Problem #3: Applejack. Just, fucking, Applejack. She doesn't listen to a word the fillies say, she clearly could've heard them all those times they spoke up to her with their urgent little tones, but no, rather than being a good adult and listening to the children when they say they desperately need to tell you something, when there is absolutely nothing stopping you from doing so, she instead brushes them aside anyway and goes off to do... nothing, it seems. It was all very irritating.

Problem #4: and now, the biggest problem of all, in the entire thing, was that the klutzy guy ends up becoming a clown, when he never wanted to be a clown, he very clearly wanted to be a competitor in the rodeo events, that is what he wanted, there is almost no reason other than out of desperation that he should be happy to be a clown, his soul should be crushed. Why? because this is not what he wanted, plain and simple.

And there you have it everybody, that's my review of those two episodes. Hope you enjoyed it, I actually quite enjoyed writing it despite my tiredness, so that's nice. Goodbye.

-Tuesday, November 17, 2015/Monday, June 13, 2016.


	21. Make New Friends But Keep Discord Review

Update #14: hey everybody, I just wanted to check in and let you know what's been going on. I was literally going to do the next update, like, immediately after the last one. I was busy on the 18th so it would've been up on the 19th, but that's still super-quick so it doesn't matter. Anyway, I would've had it up right then for you, but I seriously fell sick overnight before I could, and I stayed feeling sick for like the next two weeks, I think it was twelve days to be precise.

So, now that we're done with that delay. I actually did get to see the episode 'Make New Friends But Keep Discord', I didn't like it.

I can't really remember a whole lot of the littler things that bothered me, but I know a couple. Like how they made Maud Pie tell a joke at one point, that seemed really out of character. It wasn't even about rocks. And there was how everyone hated Discord's first joke, the one about Twilight, when it was fucking hilarious, that bothered me a bit too. But anyway, there is one thing that stands out above the rest...

The Smooze.

Yes, this is the Smooze episode that we were promised. For those of you who don't know, the Smooze is a monster that ravaged the land of the Generation One ponies, it eats everything in it's path, growing bigger as it does so. If I recall right it was even the main villain of the very first Pony-Movie, and we were promised that it would return for an episode in Friendship is Magic. And this is it, apparently. Believe it or not but I was actually looking forward to seeing the Smooze, I thought it might be neat to see it devour Ponyville or some shit, but they go and fuck it up in the most pathetic way possible. Not only is it not even the focus of the episode, but it's barely there, just tacked-on as Discord's 'pretend friend' to help push his boring soap drama with Futtershy, and it acts almost completely harmless, so of course nobody takes it seriously at any point. They even have the nerve to make it _smile_ at everything, and as I recall there might've been a moment where they imply it actually has a thing for Discord, most likely at the end, though with how vague everything it does is it could easily have just been happy, or happier, seeing as how it's a fucking glee-fountain, which is annoying.

 **This is not what I wanted.** Like I said, they could've had Smooze go and completely decimate Ponyville, or even Equestria in general. Smooze was a BIG threat in Gen-One, wasn't it? The ponies didn't just take it seriously, _they were terrified of it,_ and I wanted to see that terror be recreated anew with Friendship is Magic, I wanted to see something significant, something with impact and dread, a doomsday scenario not unlike that of Tirek, but better, much better, I wanted something worthy of being a two-parter and/or Season Finale. And instead, we get this _filthy_ joke character, in this lame episode, of what more and more appears to clearly be the worst Season of this not-very-good show to exist thus far.

Also, they made him green. I'm like 97% positive he was purple in Gen-One.

So there, this episode was pretty bad, just like most of the recent ones. It's been a while since Pony Week but since we didn't get to do a bunch back there I'll watch the next episode or two if I feel like it soon, see you around guys.

 _...get'cho BRONY on._

-Sunday, December 13, 2015.


	22. Lost Treasure of Griffonstone Review

**PTN. Because I'm a dolt I somehow managed to name both this entry and the last one #14, screwing that up forever.**

Update #14: hey guys, you know what I hate?

Ponies.

I hate the ponies.

Just thought I should mention that.

So, I saw the next couple episodes, the one where Rainbow and Pinkie journey to the griffins' home (France), and the 100th episode special featuring all the side characters. Now I'll review them for you, let's go.

(Note: You'll have to excuse me if I sound bored or uninterested. I'm feeling really tired, so this probably won't be as energetic as most of my past reviews.)

So, the griffin one. It sucked, as usual, some parts were okay, but it was mostly crap. One of the stupid things that bothered me right near the start was how _only_ Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie left for the journey, since like, we're all one big team, right? why the hell should two of us go alone and the rest all just sit around doing nothing? the mission has a much higher chance of success with us all going. Of course it's really just a cheap excuse for us to only focus on the two of them, which we could still do anyway, just because the rest are there doesn't mean they have to take up a bunch of screen time, they could all get busy doing something to try to help off-screen, or if the creators insist on having just the two go they at least could've made it so that the others are staying behind because they have something important to do rather than just be sitting around doing squat while their two friends face off against who knows what, jeez.

Well I guess at least this way it gives us a better chance of finding opportunities to ship Rainbow and Pinkie, which by the way I totally fucking do, but moving on, they get to France and immediately start being incompetent. For instance, they pay some guy a few bits to tell them a story which fucking everyone who lives there clearly already knows, and since Twilight had explicitly told them to meet with the town librarian for help beforehand, (do note that Twilight was wrong about loads of things, not that they knew it at the time), that means they just threw money away on something they (according to Twilight) already had complete and total access to. Idiots. So anyway, the common knowledge we paid for in cold hard bits goes as follows: griffins sucked, they got a shiny thing, they liked the shiny thing and became very proud of it so they stopped sucking, they lost shiny thing, now they suck again, that's it.

Now for the next thing that pissed me off, Rainbow Dash gets it into her head that if she gets the shiny thing back, then the griffins will rejoice and stop sucking once again, which is ridiculous, since the entire point of the shiny thing is about pride, and the griffins obviously won't be proud of themselves if a frickin' pony just comes and does everything for them.

So they also bump into Gilda, yeah, real big surprise there, and it's mildly entertaining I guess. Gilda is definitely the best character of the episode, (besides me of course, but even I don't really have that much to do other than complain about how badly we're going about doing everything), her scenes are somewhat amusing, which while not sounding that great on it's own, is boosted up tremendously by the fact that it's surrounded by crap.

So then Rainbow Dash goes and buys some climbing supplies and a guide to help her find the shiny thing, the expedition doesn't go as planned however and she winds up stuck on a ledge, and of course the guide won't help her because like a fool she had already gone ahead and paid the guide for everything, which anybody reasonable will tell you is a terrible idea. You NEVER pay them everything right off the bat, you always do half of it right away and the other half once the job is done, because you need to make sure they have incentive to deliver on their end of the bargain, otherwise you could easily wind up screwed, just like Rainbow did. But they don't try to use this as a lesson or anything, oh no, it would be okay if they did, but instead they just have it happen and then never make anything out of it. For shame.

So then Pinkie melts Gilda's frozen heart and they go rescue Rainbow Dash, and then ta-da they learn something new friendship is magic yadda yadda yadda roll credits.

And as for Slice of Life... it was cool. I didn't care for the Bon Bon and Lyra storyline, but I did like seeing the Sea Serpent and Button Mash, as well as most other minor characters. And I really, REALLY liked seeing the main characters get shut out near the end, I just wish they hadn't given them the little scene soon after, I wanted those fuckers to not have any dialogue at all, for the whole thing.

 **PTN. Holy shit that Slice of Life review was underdone. Obviously if you look at the dates you can tell that it was rushed because I was trying to finish this long-abandoned entry in time for Pony Week 2016, but Slice of Life deserved better than that. For the record, I love the episode and there were so many cool things about it that a should have brought up. This entire entry is an excellent example of what I mean when I say that I used to pay too much attention to everything I didn't like and not enough to everything I did.**

So there, I guess that's about it, see you next time.

-Exact Date Forgotten, May 2016/Thursday, November 10, 2016.

 **PTN. I'm just gonna give you a little heads-up now, Pony Week 2016 is not the next entry, it needs to wait. There was other stuff written inbetween May and November of that year that needs to be posted first, and it's very special stuff indeed.**


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